Monday, December 6, 2010
Going Back to India
Friday, July 2, 2010
A Conversation
Lord help me understand your word
Give me an understanding of what it means for me.
You mean; spoon fed
Dropped down out of my heavenly realms
Rhema words
Is that what I am asking for
You are in a hurry
I want you to linger with me
Don’t try to rape me to mine the gems from my mind
You want results now
I want change forever
I want more then your mind
I want a heart exchange
Oh, you want to engage me instead of just telling me?
Yes and I want to challenge you.
It requires more then just the mechanical reading of my word.
Be still
Learn what it means to wait and listen
Ask what you can do for me
Ask what my heart says but;
Don’t demand answers
And let me ask questions of you.
Do you dare to trust me more?
Friday, June 4, 2010
Grace
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
And Yet I Will Praise Him!
The air conditioning is cold, like death, I’d rather sweat.
It seems so surreal; lying in the hospital, is this my life? Why did you call me here LORD? Am I so lost I can’t see it? How did I get here?
Walking through time, I think of how it began.
Arrival, tired, emotionally spent, fragile, I feel my walls rising up yet you come along. Your voice echoes. Hold on to my garment.
Then!, finally I see their faces, the girls Lord, the girls! Shy smiles, eyes reaching out.
"You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours
You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours "
My feelings and fears are being used against me. I am dying from a thousand small cuts.
I hear my familiy's heart cry, why have you abandoned me? Will they ever understand Lord? Why does my heart cry out so within me? Why are you in despair oh my soul? Please God, move this mountain.
I wake up to someone crying in the courtyard, not the usual sound but a deep pain as I hear the cry… mommy. But mommy cannot answer.
Each girl here feels that pain too. Be a quiet presence Barb
Then there is my class, 62 faces with names I can’t pronounce, they are watching me. Running to just get ahead, just enough to gain some space to think, what will work?
Help me God, I have to think on my feet, my back hurts, I circle the room, stretching for that teachable moment when I can reach inside just one heart before I get behind again. The sweat runs down my face, what is coming next?, got to stay ahead think, games, stories, but first I have to keep them in their seats.
I’ve hit a wall I don’t know how to go forward and I cannot go backward. I will not let go of your garment Lord; I can’t let go of what you have for me to do.
Be a quiet presence Barb, watch their faces, smile at them, pray for them.
Like a mother watching her daughter’s school play, I smile at each one, … they begin to smile back. (smile) My heart lights up like a candle.
"I’ll set you as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters cannot quench this love. "
Come be our mentor they say, come to the prayer room. I am not worthy! God, I feel so insignificant, bare feet, covered heads down on the floor on their faces, they cry out, passionate, desperate, nothing to lose cries going into the room and being gathered up like liquid gold, honey to the Lord, filling the bowls and being lifted up still higher. Mentor you, no, cruel joke, sorry it’s just not there, you mentor me.
Is suffering futility, does it pay a price for them, do we buy something with our suffering? Mother Theresa had the very weakest bedridden people intercede for her; she said their suffering brought glory for those who were dying. Does it work that way Lord?
My life is not so terrible that I cannot endure it, nor so hard it is without consolation, yet I long for the familiar, for what I left behind. I try to avoid what is at hand and I am blind to what you say see, I cannot gain what you would give me so that my heart could be completely yours.
You say: “bring the alabaster jar to me pour it out, give all that you have to serve me and it will bring glory, You will see it look in the eyes of the daughters of Job.
"You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours
You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours "
There is a hierarchy here; I see the little ones gather around the water filter at 4 a.m., filling bottle after bottle for their room. The kindergarten and grade one girls carry book bags, homework for a future grade, and line them up against the wall of the church to be collected latter by those whose work it is.
Pastor Sharjan, circles the halls at night, chasing the demons the girls cry about, they are real; there is a battle here. Not all that goes on behind children’s closed doors is good. There is a hunger that naws in their bellies, a need not to be alone. They search for something to take away the sting of abandonment and fear.
Days pass, life finds it’s rhythm. I remember a dream; someone is sick, there is a van and they are wired up inside it. I hear the Lord say I will take care of you. I write it in my journal but it is forgotten.
Sunday afternoon and the ordinariness of the day hides the pain to come. It sneaks in under the radar of consciousness, it slowly swallows me up increasing in waves of intensity. Then in a moment of déjà vu it is on top of me, I cannot move, I cannot stay still, I can no longer stifle the moans that rise from within. I know what this is. Oh yes, I remember this pain, it’s identity was locked in my memory and now suddenly it’s upon me. It’s a gallbladder attack, how is it that such a small organ can so incapacitate me.
I just get past this, something in my head quotes a statistic, two to four hours for an attack... How long is there left? Release finally comes.
"I’ll set you as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters cannot quench this love. "
It’s daylight, positive self talk, It will be okay. Just rest today… draw me in Lord. Messages go out, concern comes back, eyes betray a tender caring that I struggle to receive.
Whispering prayers, the army has been called out and the prayers go out like ripples in the pond. Pastor Jake comes to pray, their church is praying 24 hours a day Lord, I was only there three times, yet they are praying. Thank You.
Finally I am out of the hospital; girls watch and wave nervously as I am walk to my room. Knocks come, I hear them through the door; we are praying; Auntie Barbara we are praying for you, come soon, come soon.
"You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours
You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours "
I slip into the back seats of the chapel, easy to escape from here. Dr. Job announces my presence and calls the girls to pray; Sister Barbara come and speak! I have no words! Yet somehow I am at the front and I hear myself say; God has used my weakness to show me how you suffer with wounds and fevers and the pain of your loneliness. He wants me to tell you He is with you as He is with me. He carries you as He carries me.
I cry when I say I must go home. All the girls gather around me, their tears mingle with mine. We are praying for you; echoes in my ears.
The letters came from many; younger, older many who never spoke to me;
Blessed conversations with You in the middle Lord. Thank You for letting me see your face Jesus.
Last day with the girls … a chance to see redemption. Older girls hear the truth about identity. You are lifting up their faces with your words Jesus.
Goodbye tears, don’t let go, don’t forget me. Come back soon!
"Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until you and I are one"
Note - the quoted material is a Misty Edwards song called You Won't Relent.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Boot Camp
Today many people have adopted this term for training programs based on the original one developed by the military where the term was used to describe an indoctrination for recruits to get them ready to serve. The program involved intense physical fitness training, and orientation to the demands of the job and the culture, weapons training and basic instruction in service related subjects. The program was designed to push recruits to their limits. I found out that God thought of this first.
I thought I knew what it would be like, I had given up all my material stuff, I had said good bye to my church, my family and my job and colleges there. I had even overcome a bad back (with the help of my chiropractor and much prayer). But, this was just the beginning of what was to come.
I arrived in India tired and emotionally spent. Saying goodbye to my family and especially my daughter was much harder then I thought. Leaving my house and knowing it was gone brought the reality of what I had done into focus.
The Conference that Dr. Job always holds at this time of year was a temporary distraction and gave me a little breathing room as I greeted old friends and soaked up the teachings. But soon that week was over and I was tired and fragile and unable to keep from crying and I didn't understand why. I was struggling with this deep pain that was worse then when my husband left and worse then when my mother died. I could not even say my daughter's name without crying. I felt like a wall had risen up, I wanted to do God’s will but I feared I would fail. I did not know how to let go of my pain; I did not know how to go forward.
I was coming face to face with the reality of being dropped into a very different culture. I was trying to adjust to a whole different lifestyle living with 500 very needy girls and trying to teach 62 girls in a Kindergarten class. I knew I was in way over my head and I knew that only God could save me. I had been crying out to God but I just was not hearing Him He seemed so far away, and I felt very alone. I knew I needed to look to Jesus but I felt so needy that I spent a lot of time nursing my pain.
But I was learning how to persevere. Slowly, despite the fact that I didn’t think I was hearing the Lord, I began to understand that He was changing my way of thinking. I had really struggled with what seemed to me to be a breaking point, how can I be obedient to the Lord by being here when I couldn't leave my old life and relationships behind. How could I live there? At the same time I knew I could never go against my Lord. I cried out to God to help me. God was removing this mountain for me. He was changing how I understood my relationships with those I left behind, and giving me a healthier way of relating.
The Lord was also showing me that there was more coming against me then my own feelings. I was in a dark place and I needed to stay close to Jesus to stay in the light. Many of these girls were deeply troubled, there was much inner wounding that would need to be addressed and there were very real strongholds set up by the enemy, to keep that from happening. I felt I was dying from a thousand small cuts. But again God was teaching me how to discern, and then walk.
I became a quiet presence. I watched how the girls were relating to each other. I began to actively encourage the girls in any way I could. Letting those who were struggling know that I was praying, and smiling at everyone who gave me eye contact. I watched and waited for opportunities to show these girls the love of God.
I struggled in the classroom with my Kindergarten class. I slowly began to get control in the room and then finally I was able to actually teach the girls something. They began to respond to my style of teaching and I saw improvements in their confidence and understanding. I was learning how to use the weapons in the Word to get what I needed to overcome. The children began to see that I would pray for anyone who needed prayer. Children with wounds and fevers came and asked for prayer and I encouraged them to say thank you to Jesus for their healing. I was beginning to to teach what Jesus taught, I was learning to reach out.
Although not all of the girls knew Jesus as their savior there were many strong warriors who were leading prayer groups and actively involved in discipleship and ministry. There were three regular prayer groups that I knew of, one which met every day at 5, which I often attended. When I prayed with these girls for the first time I was so moved by their passion and sincerity that I just cried, they asked me to mentor them and to speak and I could hardly communicate. I simply felt unworthy to even be there, I was way behind them, and how could I possibly teach them anything? God was humbling me and teaching me through them.
As I go back through my journal now I realize that I never stopped praying though I often felt very far away from God. I was now able to see His grace. Much of my prayers were underscored with “as an act of my will” as though through clenched teeth. I know that is how I felt much of the time. The Lord led me to read and study the book of Job; I find that almost funny now looking back on it. I am sure God does have a sense of humor. But He was gently reminding me of my own grumbling, self-righteousness and weakness in the midst of the struggle.
On July 17th (the day after my birthday) I wrote; “We see suffering as futility yet you Lord suffered for our very lives. We believe that happiness is our right, and when we cannot find it we wallow in self-pity. Why is it that we put so much stock in a familiar place? My life is not so terrible that I cannot endure it, nor so hard that there is no consolation; yet I long for the familiar, for what I left. I try to avoid what is at hand; I do not see all that you would have me see. I do not gain what you would give me if only my heart were completely yours.”
In Mark 14:3-9 we read about the alabaster jar. I listened to a visitor speak on this passage one morning shortly after that and he made four points and I used them as a prayer to God.
- I will give all I have to serve you.
- I do not want to hold anything back. I will empty everything out.
- You only ask us to give what we have.
- Breaking is painful but it brings glory to the name of God.
I determined that I would not give up when the going got hard. I dug in harder and continued to pray and intercede for the girls and for the staff here. I made some good connections with the Pastor and I shared some of my concerns about things the Lord was showing me in the girls. That opened a door for me because the Pastor was able to see that God was in it. I was able to tell him things about the girls that I could not know in the natural and he began to see that I was there by God’s will. He shared his heart for the girls with me and we prayed together and things moved forward just a little. I was learning to fight back.
Talking to Scott and hearing from many here at home helped me to gain perspective. Then I read in my devotional “Whenever anything begins to disintegrate your life with Jesus, turn to Him, at once, asking Him to give you rest” That was confirmation for me that God was indeed on His throne, and a reminder that I had to hold on and not let go.
Things began to get easier. I was into a good routine at school for the most part. The younger girls were always with me. They ran to meet me, hung on to me as I walked, sang with me and played with me every chance they got. My biggest problem now was keeping them from hurting each other in their competition to get my attention or hold my hands.
When I got sick I struggled again, I questioned my ability to hear God, my value in this place, and I was being cornered by fear. As I went through my journal I found this entry on September 11th. “I was dreaming a lot last night. I remember bits of one dream about someone who had some kind of serious medical condition who was wired up so that he/she was protected medically in a special van.” God had told me He was there for me but I missed it at the time.
But I saw how many people all around the world were faithfully praying for me. I was held up by all those prayers. When I got back to the compound I continued to struggle with my own weakness, I felt useless because I was not doing anything. I wrote about this in this blog and you will see by the comment that I had been warned about this as well. God's grace has been all over my life. He continued to show me that He was in fact doing great things despite my weakness and I got to be a part of it.
Even as I rest back here at home God is continuing to teach me about what happened in my own "boot camp" and He is indeed preparing me for what is to come.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The End of the Chapter
We never know as we begin a new chapter in our lives what may take place before we reach the end. Beginnings are generally full of potential, especially when you have stepped into what seems a whole new place in your life.
The reality is that every new chapter is still part of the same book which is your life and events unfold in ways you do not expect; sometimes they are glorious; sometimes disappointing, but always part of a continuing story that generally is less and more then you expect or understand.
We will never be able to put the whole puzzle of our lives together on this earth, I think when we are with Jesus, it will no longer matter.
This past week I have been forced to spend time in thought as my body refuses to cooperate and let me be as independent and well as I want to be. The girls have been at my door every day, telling me they are praying for me, asking me to come back to school and be their teacher. They cry when I say I can’t teach them now, and that I will be going home. Some move away and some hold on tighter as if they can convince me to stay for them.
I wonder what I have accomplished? What is God is doing? I feel shame in my weakness and wonder whether he is disappointed in me. I want to have a grand ending but I just don’t have the strength. The reality is I never had much strength. Jesus has accomplished some things I am sure, but it is hard to see them now.
What will I do now? I am not hearing Jesus these days , though I call out and wait the answers do not come. I cannot put things in perspective, I have no sense of where I am going or what I will do next. I feel disconnected from people as I sit in my room. It is way too introspective, I need to get beyond these circumstances and be able to soar above the storm with Jesus. But I feel tired, I want to be stirred and ready to step out with Jesus but it’s just not there.
I listen as the clock ticks, time will move on, I will get back to Canada and then perhaps I will have a sense of God’s grace in all of this. The though of coming home brings excitement but also sadness. Lord I pray that you will make this chapter of my life a little easier to read and understand.
I know that your ways are not our ways Lord and that I am called to be faithful not successful. I hope that I have accomplished that to some degree. In time Lord I ask that by your grace I will see where you have moved here through all of my illness and failure.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
In His Hands
In Psalm 89 God talks about David’s line and the covenant that He will keep forever with him. We too are a part of that covenant promise. Jesus reinforced it when He said that He would never leave us or forsake us. Yet how often do we forget that God is near? We are quick to believe the lies of the enemy who wants to kill steal and destroy and we do not see how we play into the enemies’ hands and give him permission through our sin to come and wreak havoc in our lives.
Over the last week I have been in the middle of a life lesson, which made much of this very clear to me.
Last Sunday afternoon as I was writing my sermon for the evening service I suddenly found myself in terrible all consuming pain. Nothing I could do and no position I tried to get into would alleviate the pain. I soon realized that I was in the middle of a gallbladder attack. I had not had such a bad attack since before my daughter was born thirty years ago. I knew what it was and I knew that all I could do was wait it out. Finally after about four hours, cold sweaty and clammy having finally been able to vomit, I crawled into bed and fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning and began to process where I was, how I was and why I had such a terrible time the day before. First there was the gallbladder attack, it had been brought on because of many bad choices on my part. I have been eating for comfort for years and limited choices (and self pity) have accentuated it here in India.
This is reaping and sowing.
“If they violate my decrees and fail to keep my commands, I will punish their sins with the rod, their iniquity with flogging” Psalm 89 vs. 32
“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction.” Gal. 6:7-8a.
The Lord has spoken to me many times in warning about this and I have repented then repeated the sin of idolizing food again and again. God will allow us to reap the fruit of our poor choices.
Also once I gave the enemy license then the attack on my health and peace of mind was on.
“If you do what is right will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” Gen. 4:7
We are God’s kids but once we choose to sin we build a ledge that the devil can stand on. We give him authority in that area of our lives.
As a result of the gallbladder attack a stone was likely pushed out into my bile duct partially obstructing it and causing me to have Jaundice. I did not go to the hospital for the attack but went a day later because of the Jaundice. I got blood work, a urine test and an ultra sound done and then saw the surgeon who recommended an operation to clean out the bile duct and removal of my Gallbladder.
Fear was at work in my life. When I talked to my children that fear was then in them and they wanted me to come home. The doctor told me about complications if I had the procedures done or if they did not do them. The Principal at the school wanted me to go home she said there was very little supply of negative blood in India and so if there were complications and bleeding is a possible complication of flushing out the ducts then I would be in big trouble. Someone else wanted to fly me to New Delhi for surgery. There were also many prayers, cautions and encouragement from friends all over who were with me on the journey in prayer. I felt that the Lord was leading me to wait so we decided to wait and see until Friday and redo the tests. Something deep in me was still keeping peace in my Spirit.
We never know about the path not taken but there were many options offered up to me that would have had a very different result. I had been hearing many scenarios of disaster and death in my head over the past few days since the gallbladder attack. I woke up in the night the day I visited the doctor. I had been in a very deep sleep and I could hardly keep my eyes open and yet I had this feeling that something was really wrong. I felt as if I had been on the brink of death when I woke up and my legs were shaking inside the way you do when you are in shock. I had a hard time thinking straight. I got myself up and went to the bathroom talking to myself to calm down as I went. There did not seem to be any overwhelming pain, everything seemed to be working fine. I crawled back into bed and I was really tired, I wanted to go to sleep but I was afraid I would not wake up. I picked up the Bible and started reading the psalms. These scripture verses jumped out at me.
“I lie down and sleep; I wake up again because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side.” Psalm 3:5-6
“I will lie down and sleep in peace for You alone, Oh Lord make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
I decided that God held me and so I should go to sleep. I waited two days in the hopes that my body would work things out on its own. Because God holds us in His hand He is the one who ultimately does this. I had prayed and sought prayer support and received all kinds of advice but I followed what I felt was the leading of the Lord. I began to have a deeper conviction that God was in this and He did have me and I would be okay. While all the options were still being played in my head I began to be convicted that I knew where I was going.
“The thief comes to kill steal and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” John 10:10
This is called God’s Grace
Friday morning I got up and waited to go to the hospital for the next set of tests. I felt pretty good about where I was. I began to just thank the Lord for the blessings in my life. As I sat at my desk listening to praise music and eating an apple, something in a song the girls had sung at chapel triggered a thought. The song they sang is called He Is Near and I realized it had been playing in my head all day yesterday. I decided that I was going to believe God I remembered my devotional for that day in which Oswald Chambers said; “The greatest need we have is not to do things but to believe things”
So I began to pray; I choose to believe You Lord and I believe that You are speaking to me and I am hearing You. I choose to have hope and joy and life that You give and I believe that I will be fine and that you will hold me through the time I am here, as I travel to Bali and back and as I travel back to Canada. I choose to believe your word Lord and I choose to receive your comfort Holy Spirit. I choose to believe now before I see the test results.
Then I was able to testify as I was being driven to the hospital that I knew that all would be well and that God would hold me until I go home.
When we got the test results I was very happy to say “I told you!” and Praise the Lord, may He get the glory!!!