Commitment “God himself laid down the law when He built the universe. He knew when He made it what the price was going to be. God did not hold back His only son, but gave Him up to pay the price for our failure and sin.” Taken from Beyond the Gates of Splendor by Elisabeth Elliot (A quote from Nate Saint’s diary)
This has always been true for anyone who submits their life to God as well. We must be willing to pay the price it requires. But when we say ‘Lord I belong to you’, do we know what we are saying. I have been struggling with this reality over the past year as I have walked out my commitment to God. I have learned along the way that saying yes and walking it out are two very different things. Giving away my stuff seemed like a test at the time but now that seems like the easy part. Leaving my life in Canada behind was harder but in the back of my mind I was still holding on to my old life and thinking I could go back to it again, even though the Lord had clearly told me that I could never come back to what I was leaving. Being here for a long time is very different from a short-term trip. That seems obvious but it hit me in ways I did not expect. No one here hugs like we do at home, you would think that would not be a big deal but it is. I focused on the monotony of the food but I am beginning to realize that what I was really missing was my independence. It is not just what you eat but when and where you eat and what you do each day. Culture differences lead to many misunderstandings and unclear expectations both for me and for those I am working with. I am often unsure if others really get what I am saying. Then there is my future. Being here for 9 months is one thing but what if God wants me to come back?
I want more then anything to follow the Lord’s will for my life but I am struggling with giving up my old life to do that.
And yet there is so much need and if I am going to really be used to fill some of that need I want to see it through. I want to see these girls lives changed in meaningful ways. I want to see Jesus work in their lives. And I believe in God’s promises that He will provide so much more then we could ask or imagine. I cannot go backward, I know what it feels like to be out of God’s will and I don’t want to endure that again.
Amy Carmichael once said; “The vows of God are upon me. I may not stay to play with shadows or pluck earthly flowers, till I my work have done and rendered up account.”
I cannot rest knowing there is a call on me to do this work, not until the Lord says it is done.
I found this quote in a book called Jesus Driven Ministry written by Ajith Febnando, a man from Shri Lanka who works for Youth For Christ Ministries, he says;
“None of us takes to the cross naturally. Sacrifice hurts, and the hurt is real. But there is a deeper desire in us then that of simply avoiding pain. We want to do the will of God. As Jesus prays in the gospels ‘not what I will, but you will.’ Mark 14:36 In the prayer in John he prays; ‘Father Glorify your name!’ John 12:28 God’s response to Christ’s words are “I have glorified and I will glorify it again.’ John 12:28b. “This word of God teaches us that when we come face to face with the immensity of the sacrifice we must make because of our call, God reminds us that He will turn this event to bring glory to Him, just as He made previous events glorious. This truth helps us brace ourselves to face the cross before us.”
That about sums it up for me, I have no idea where I am going from here, but I have determined in my heart that I must do the will of Him who sent me, whatever that requires. I want to be an example of how to walk in the Spirit and I pray over and over; “Lord I cannot do anything without you please come by Your Holy Spirit and work through me.” I know that I have to look to what He wants to do and rise above my own circumstances.
In his book “Passion For Jesus”, Mike Bickle says;
“Our lives only have meaning as we understand them with respect to obedience to Christ Jesus who is seated at the Father’s right hand. If we lose our focus on Him, then we lose our connection with reality, purpose, and order. If we lose our vision of the throne of God as the centre of everything we live for, then we lose our spiritual equilibrium and emotional stability. We lose our resolve to endure temptation and hardship (James 1:12). We lose our motivation to bless our enemies. We lose the main reason why God releases His power through our ministry. When we lose the awareness of God our Father on this throne with Jesus seated at His right hand, then our problems become insurmountable in our thinking. The despair can seem unbearable. We forget that everything else passes away, and nothing has any significance and relevance outside the reality of the Person upon this throne. All else is temporal, except the things that are pleasing to Him.”
Now in the midst of it all I also feel such an urgency to get things accomplished. I had a long talk with the pastor and doors are opening to do some teaching and perhaps some prayer ministry for inner healing with the older girls. I talked to him about what I see in the faces and bodies of these girls as they stand in the choir every morning. Some of them are filled with bitterness and are really feeling like God is not at all there for them. There is pain and loneliness and anger in some of the faces I see. Many of the girls look quite lost and hopeless. There are some bright lights in the crowd as well but they tire because they carry the weight of the others.
As I spend time with the prayer group to the left, I am reminded of my own journey of how lost I once was; how very close to death, and how the Lord rescued me. And now He is redeeming my life for these girls who have faced many similar situations in their young lives. I must be there for them. I must be willing to submit myself and my plans to His service, if not why am I here?
“It is not the level of our spirituality that we can depend on. It is God and nothing else but God, for the work is God’s and the call is God’s and everything is summoned by Him and to His purposes, the whole scene, the whole mess, the whole package – our bravery and our cowardice, our love and our selfishness, our strengths and our weaknesses …
‘For we are no better than pots of earthenware to contain His treasure (the revelation of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ) and this proves that such transcendent power does not come from us, but is God’s alone’ 2 Cor. 4:7, NEB” Elisabeth Elliot, Through the Gates of Splendor.
Marking Territory
It is early in the morning, as I take off my shoes to go into the chapel Iona comes up behind me. She takes her shoes off and carefully places them on top of mine and takes my hand to go inside. As we get to my place she turns to me and hands me a cup. Her words are few; ‘keep’ she says as she goes off to sing. After the choir has finished their songs she rushes back to climb up onto the chair beside me saved by the cup sitting on it.
Another girl, Gena comes to my door before lunch, come quick Auntie Barbara she shouts as she bangs on my door. She is first to greet me for lunch, first to hold my hand. Others join as we walk down the hall but she got their first.
On Saturdays I generally stay in my room to do my laundry and read and pray, the girls know this and after some testing have tried hard to respect my time. Last Saturday there was a knock at my door just before I was to get into bed. Gena was there. I just wanted to say goodnight she says as she blows me a kiss.
Others take turns coming to my door, they pull out my chair for me for lunch, they crowd around to spell all the words they can think of. They all want me to be their auntie and they look for ways to have a little of my attention, a little of my time just for them.
I have been watching how they each stake out their territory. And I have tried hard to give them what individual attention I can. I try to listen to each one, when three or four are all telling me something at once. I pray for them when they have wounds and hug them and hold them as they come to me so each one gets that special touch. They are beginning to be able to wait a little but they still fight over who gets my hands. I try to teach them to make a little room for each other when I know they all need individual time.
Sometimes they ask when I am going home. They also back off at times, it seems they don’t want to give more of their heart then they can afford to lose. Many people come and go here. Some come back, some do not. I try to understand their perspective, it must be hard to give yourself to others when you know they will leave but if not that then to whom do you go?
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