Faith

I have been reading a lot of Oswald Chambers lately. He always challenges me to rise above my comfort level.  

He states; " The very nature of faith is that it must be tried. Faith is not rational, therefore it cannot be worked out on the basis of reason, it can only be worked out on the implicit line by living obedience. Faith must prove itself by the inward concession of its dearest objects, and in this way be purified from all traditional and fanatical ideas and misconceptions." 

So I want to live my life by faith alone, I have entered in to this struggle, willing to give up everything for Jesus, but it never is as I think it should be.  I have given up many "things" but I am holding on tight to thoughts and to people.  Jesus has taught me the value of relationships both with Him, His Father and His Spirit, and with other people.  It was easier when I did not let people in but it was NOT BETTER.  I have been both deeply blessed and extremely challenged as I have begun to walk out this separation from everyone I know and love.  I realise it matters a great deal now.  It always did, but I used to be able to just not allow myself to feel it. 

I am surrounded by a series of endings, like a great forest looming before me. My retirement party was this past weekend.  I found myself wondering how many children have come through the doors of the various daycare centres I have been in over the years.  It always surprises me that the children even notice.  After all I am just the person who works in the office.  But through them Jesus forces me to look in to the eyes of love and hear that I matter to them.  It is still far harder for me to receive love then to give it.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  It really is what I need. It really is important, a good thing.  I am grateful that I have many friends who also look me in the eyes and make sure I don't just run away.

Jesus tells me this is all part of the provision. After all, He says; how can you expect to love like I do if you don't see that you are loved. It's in the little things around me, a hug from a friend, a gift to take with me, words to encourage me. And people who just let me cry when I need to.  Jesus is teaching me what faith is. Just let go of it all.  He says.  You will have more, in abundance, you will grow.  Just keep following and looking to me!  

I remember reading Paul's letters to his various churches for the first time.  It was obvious that he loved those people.  I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter.  I would go into my son's room and watch him sleeping. I remember saying over him; how can I ever find enough love for another child when I love you with all that I am, with all that I have. Will I have more for the next child?  I learned that our love does not run out, it gets richer and deeper as our comprehension of what life is about increases. 

I do not want to try to work out my faith. I am excited about what lies ahead. I know that Jesus has planned it all with great glee and anticipation.  I can almost hear Him say. Just wait until you see Barb.  Obedience is about letting go right now. Learning to trust that I am not losing everything, that it's okay to move away from everything and everyone that I know.  I won't drown as I step out of the boat because I am not depending on me but on Jesus. He will pull me up so that I can walk with Him on the water. 

 

I pray that He will give me the wisdom and grace to let go of all my preconceived ideas and misconceptions.  There are times when this seems impossible! His reality will be far better then my imaginings.  I can neither dictate what I want nor demand the circumstances to meet my needs.  I can only just keep going and let Jesus get me where he wants me to go as I walk towards Him.