Exploring Vocation

One of the gifts which I received as I was preparing to come to India was a Book called "Let Your Life Speak - Listening for the Voice of Vocation", by Parker Palmer.  Palmer presents the idea that we cannot will what our vocation should be no matter how grand or ambitious our goals may be.  Rather he says that we must listen to hear what our vocation is to be, which may in fact not be what we think or want it to be.  For me this lines up with my understanding that Jesus has created us for a specific purpose which He uses our lives( if we are willing) to fulfill.  

This has been a subject of some searching lately as I struggle both with my desire to have what I left behind and my heart to follow God's will.  Lately I have been studying the book of Job and yes I see the irony that these are the daughters of Job that I serve.  My question to God has been; why is it that we struggle so much when we are in the middle of suffering when prior to that we may have been very blessed and happy in our walk with Him.  Not that I am suffering greatly right now, in fact I am quite comfortable but I still what what I left too.  

Job knew God's great blessing, and he wanted to stay in God's will. He prayed for his children when they held their feasts in case they sinned.  And yes Job's calamity was great, but it did not take him long to want to die.  He did not think to ask God if there was a purpose for what he was enduring.  But I ask that question.  Why must there be pain in our lives, and why is this the place we seem to need to be to learn anything?  Why is it that I just want to escape when things get hard when at other times I can be so sure of my desire to give God all that I have, all that He asks of me.  And I think that I should do this without thought for myself or complaint. 

This morning an old friend of Dr, Job spoke at Chapel.  It was an answer to my prayers earlier today.  He spoke about the alabaster jar that was broken and poured out at Jesus feet in an act of obedience and surrendered love.  The one who did this gave all she had, in abandonment to Jesus out of love.  She did not keep back anything for herself, she did what she was lead to do, and she gave all she had.  

What impacted me at first was yes that is what I want to do.  What I would like to be like in my most devoted heart of hearts.  Then I thought, yes I see why there must be a willingness to suffer.  Did Jesus not do this for us?  Are we not to be like Him.  I understood why there must be a cost, if there was no cost, what kind of a gift would it be?

What I did not expect and what always brings me to my knees was the mercy and compassion of Jesus who whispered in my heart; don't think that I do not see that this is your alabaster jar.  I know what you have given up, it has not gone unnoticed. This is why we want to give all we have, this is what brings us to surrender in absolute gratefulness that Jesus understands it all and says I know that you are giving what you have to give and that is all I ask.  It was Jesus who fed the 5000 from the boy's meager offer of loaves and fishes.  The boy did not give much but he gave what he had.