Living the Gospel Vol. 2

Living The Gospel In India August 2009

Being a Quiet Presence

I have been asking the Lord what He wants me to do here and I have heard; “Be a quiet presence” What I understand this to mean for me is that I am visible, available to the girls; that they know I am here for them. I have been trying to live this out, to be available to the girls. I have made it a point to be at the chapel service as often as I can be, to be on time for meals, to be outside when the girls line up for the assemblies. I smile at everyone as they go by and say hello to everyone when I get eye contact. I have often felt invisible or even silly as I walk about. I wonder what the girls think of this western old lady with grey hair who does things differently from all the others they know. Adults in authority here do not sing when the children do, or join in to the children’s games.

Dr. Job has often referred to me and the sacrifice I made to come here, he uses me as an example far more then I find comfortable and I think the girls are not sure what to make of all that. I have often wanted to hide but I just keep doing what I am doing and quietly going about my days. The girls are beginning to warm up to me. I walk through the courtyard outside my room and I hear the girls call out from various places; “Hello Auntie Barbara!” They smile as I go by and they have begun to visit me and ask me for prayer for wounds or because they have a test or are in a sporting event. As I walk to the dinning hall or to chapel in the morning I feel a little hand slip into mine, often without words. I feel very humbled and honoured by them. I am struck by a profound sense of unworthiness. I hope it is Jesus they see.

There is one girl in particular who has attached herself to me. Her name is Iona. She is in my class and comes to prayer and sits with me or joins me in the chapel after the singing. She scolds me when I go into town and miss prayer. She wraps herself in my scarves in the mornings and pulls my prayer shawl over her head during prayer times. She is a little girl, very small who seems very old at times. I watch her as she sings in chapel so intent doing all the actions; she is very special in her way. I often see her going out of her way to help other girls, especially those who are picked on or hurt. I wonder about all God is doing in the lives of these girls.

I have been praying in intercession for the girls both when I watch them sing every morning in the chapel and as I walk over the property every day, claiming Jesus Kingdom will come in this place. I have also started walking inside the hostel through the hallways and past all the girl’s rooms. I feel very convicted about continuing to pray in intercession for these girls and also to encourage them to expect the Lord to come and to pray for it and for each other. Many of the girls are praying, the ones I pray with every day and also others in little pockets all over the hostel. There have been powerful moves of the spirit here where girls were saved and some have had dreams and visions. Yet there seems to be a struggle over this place. I feel convicted that God has already won the victory but we need to claim it and believe it. I pray for the Holy Spirit to come but then chicken out before much time has passed. While I am confident that God is working, I am not so confident that He is using me. Communication is also a big barrier, I don’t know how much is grasped when I speak, I never get much feedback but they keep asking me to speak so I guess that is a good sign.

Being in another culture can be profoundly lonely just because it is just not the same as what you are used to. Subtle differences may not seem important yet I continue to be tripped up by them. The other day one of the college girls moved my watch so that the face was on the inside of my arm. “You should wear it this way”, she said; “It is not considered appropriate for a woman to have such a large clock face on her watch.”

The Lord tells me to wait on Him and trust Him so I keep on going, trying to be a quiet presence, and trying to watch and understand what is happening around me, sometimes I am profoundly aware that Jesus is here and I struggle not to be completely undone for no apparent reason.

Community

This is the courtyard in the middle of the hostel where all the girls live. My room is on the ground floor, far left corner on the back wall. Life happens here. Games are played in the courtyard. Laundry is hung along the hallways. People visit up and down the halls. The youngest children have common showers in the courtyard in the mornings, running and laughing as my own children did playing under the hose on the lawn. I am struck by this similarity, but then I think about the differences. My children went to bed in their own home at night and they had their mother to read them a story. These girls go to bed in a room with six or seven other children and there are at least two to a bed, and they all live in one room with three or four bunk beds and a desk, nothing more. Life is better for these children then for many yet there is always a heaviness in the lack of emotional nurturing. These girls seem so old, even at five or six years of age. There is no escaping the lack of parenting they must feel. They seem to do well day to day but at times they all look very lost. I struggle with this and wonder how I can help, I feel so inadequate. I know they all need mothers and there are 500 of them and only one of me so I hold back thinking I can’t possibly meet the need. Is this common sense or selfishness? Jesus please show me what to do.

A Busy Sunday

Chapel was interesting today, I found myself really looking at all the girls as they sang or yawned or in some cases did not participate at all.  I started to really look around to see how many girls were not singing.  I know there are some new girls here from Orissa who are still learning the language so that they were not singing was not a surprise but there were a few who seemed very sad or closed off.  I wonder what their stories are?  Some of the girls are quite open and friendly and will share their stories but many are very guarded.  I made a mental note to try to connect with some of the ones I noticed.  

I was asked to do the message for the morning service at ten and directly after this I knew I had the fourth session with the discipleship course.  The morning service went fine, I felt I should take the information I had gathered at the chapel service and just talk about how faithful God is in meeting us where we are.  I talked about the journey through the desert and how the people were not always sure God would protect them and that even when we know who God is our feelings sometimes get us lost.  I always struggle with how much the girls will understand but I know most of them know the scriptures better then I do.  I just have to let he Lord lead and trust that He will take it to them by His Spirit.  

Right after the service the older girls gathered for their class. I noticed that it has gone from about 35 to 14 but that does not surprise me.  They originally asked all the older girls to stay back but they were not all interested in continuing. I had originally hoped for no more then 20 anyway so we could pray together.  Trying to get the girls to pray is a challenge.  They will pray together all saying their prayers at the same time but there seems to be little praying for individuals here.  I have been getting them into small groups which is a start.  I talked about the anointing of the Holy Spirit and I prayed for each of them and anointed them with oil. After I prayed they were all just sitting in a circle and praying on their own silently.  It was really quite wonderful.  I sat with them for about 15 minutes and then just quietly left them, they were still all praying.  Many of them were crying quietly.  I trust the Holy Spirit was doing what He wanted to do.   

I thought the rest of the day would just be quiet and I had decided not to go to the evening service and go to bed early instead.  But just as the service was starting there was a knock on my door and Philomena was there asking me if I could please just speak for a few minutes at this service as well.  So much for going to bed early.  I quickly gathered my things and went over to the church. As I sat there listening to the girls sing I got to thinking about the fact that the Rick and Dee would be at our morning church service at that same time.  I am guessing that it would be one service off site somewhere since it is the long weekend there. 

 I was remembering our trip to Brazil and the church service we went to the day we all got sea sick because the waters were making the boat roll.  So I talked about that.  The children enjoyed hearing about the boat rolling and my tummy rolling and how I was a little afraid to climb into the dugout canoe to get to the church.  It was another good example of God's faithfulness and I remember thinking at the time that He was not going to allow us to miss the service He had planned and that He also got us back to the boat safely after that.  I talked about how God gives us the desires of our hearts and blesses us so much that we just can't help wanting to bless Him and His people right back!

It was a good day!

A day in the life

It is now 5:10 a.m.  My morning started at 3:45 a.m. with me waking up to a cramp in my leg.  My bed is just a thin mattress set in a wooden frame so there is no give,  so up I get.  To get up I have to loosen my mosquito net on one side of the bed, slide out and tuck it in again, so there is no going back to bed for 15 minutes. Then it is time for a shower.  There is just no getting used to a cold shower every day.  I try to console myself with the fact that the girls do not always get water so they may not be able to even have a shower every day.  It is monsoon season now and although we have not had a lot of rain there has been enough to attract the mosquitoes, so while I am enduring the shower, I also need to practice my combat skills.  

After my shower I am dressed and out of my room by 4:15 and off I go to the office which is just a few doors down the hall.  In this room I am able to get on line, check for emails and then see if anyone is available on skype.  I have been able to talk to my son most days for the past week, although it is 4:30 a.m. here it is 7:00 p.m. there.  No emails and no one home today so I am writing this blog.  I stop at 4:45, 5:00 and 5:15 respectively to ring  the wake-up bell in the hallway, one of my assigned tasks for the day.  

By 5:15 a.m. I head back to my room to grab my Bible and head off to chapel for 5:30. I always enjoy the walk to the chapel in the morning, it is still dark outside and the music starts playing over the loud speaker at 5, and it ranges from Tennessee Ernie Ford singing "How Great Thou Art" to the latest by Third Day.  Its so quiet otherwise, although it is like a busy street as children of all ages and sizes stretch, yawn and make their way to the chapel.  Most of them just got out of bed and come in whatever they have on, which usually means their play clothes from the night before.  I always seem to have one little one or another come running up along side and slip their hand quietly into mine as we walk the 400 meters or so to the chapel.

 If there are no guests and Dr. Job is away then chapel consists of the children singing for about 30 minutes then one of the room teams will lead the service.  There is responsive reading of either a Psalm or Proverb, a special song sung by the team, or one of the children may recite scripture, then there is the Gospel reading and finally the message, all of which generally takes about 15 mins.  Then we all stand to sing Aba Father, to conclude the service. The children then all go to the "stadium" which is a track with rock rows for seats around it.  They must run the track and do exercises for 30 minutes before being dismissed to get into their uniforms for school.  If Dr. Job is on site then he often uses morning chapel to speak to the girls, and encourage them to take advantage of all they have to become "great ladies for God".  These girls are very aware of the fact that they have been brought here by the Lord for His purposes for their lives. 

Since I do not have to run the track I came back to my room and grab my computer to finish off any emails or make my bed and do my devotions before breakfast.  I am studying the book of Job right now.  I read a chapter and highlight what jumps out at me, read it again a few times and pray and journal.  

There are many similarities with life here and Job.  I  think about the girls and how they must feel when they first arrive here.  It's never their choice to come I am sure.  They may have lost their families or they are sometimes abandoned. We have a few new ones right now from Orissa.  They do not speak English and they seem quite lost.  They adjust in various ways. Other girls seem to adopt most of them.  Some are combative and scream or bite when encouraged to fit into the routine.  Those girls get connected with one of the floor wardens who keep them close for a few days, letting them sleep in their room taking them to meals and so on until they become more accustomed to the routines.  It must be so overwhelming for them.  Many of them end up in my class since they have not been in school before.  I just gained two new ones. Luckily two of the older ones in my class also moved up. There is just no more room for anyone to sit in my class.

It is now 7 a.m. here and I am back in the office, doing my devotions, and finishing up with the emails etc. for the day.   I need to finish writing a General Knowledge exam for my class next week. All the students in the school have at least five mid term exams next week including the K's.   I have written four exams and will have to mark 66 children in each of them.  That should keep my busy.

Breakfast is at 8 and consists of rice or bread and sometimes fruit or a pulse of some kind. I go to breakfast for the tea, hot and sweet, made with black tea, milk, and spices it is the only time of day it is generally available.  After that, I am back to my room to collect whatever I need for school and out the door for about 8:50.  I usually take my materials to the classroom then meet the children outside for marshaling and marching to the cross for the opening ceremonies at 9:10.  Classes start at 9:30.  Most of my day consists of teaching a concept on the board, mainly English (site words) and math, (learning the numbers up to 100 by rote, writing the missing numbers, numbers before or after) and  science, (what is a living thing and why?) After I teach the concept work books are handed out and the children write what I taught, then I go around the room and correct their work as they go.  

This can be very tedious and the room generally becomes very chaotic by the time we are done.  I have three or four helpers now but they need a lot of supervision as well and as often as not they are sitting and talking to each other.  I try to intersperse the rote work with some action songs, flash card, and whatever else I  can find to get the children more involved and moving.  I use stickers and hair clips to reward good behaviour and motivate them as well.  

Lunch is at 12:15. I have started taking lunch in my room. One can only eat so much rice!  I have peanut butter and crackers and fruit for lunch.  I listen to music, read or work on my Kingdom Class for Sunday.  I really look forward to teaching that class.  There are about 35 girls from grades 8 up to college who come.  I am roughly following the KM1 course with some adaptations for culture  and style of learning.  I had them break into groups for prayer.  They do not pray individually and most of them do not like to pray out loud.  I just went on faith that there would be one person in each group who would step forward to ask for prayer either for healing or more of the Holy Spirit and thank the Lord they did.  It's great the way the Lord tests our faith as we try to teach it to others!

Back to school for the afternoon and I am always feeling tired by this point.  I try to do one session of teaching for them to write down in their workbooks then some time to do songs stories, flash cards etc. to give them some more concrete experience.  I am learning a lot, I hope they are too! School ends with a closing song and prayer then off I go to crash in my room for a few minutes before evening prayer.  

There is a group of about 50 girls who invited me to come and pray with them every day at 5.  They meet on their own initiative and worship and pray en mass in intercession for the centre.

It is an amazing time.  When they all start to pray they are often on their knees, bare feet and heads covered and it is a Holy place.  I am filled with wonder at what they are doing, and how devoted they are.  I wonder what I can possibly teach them.  They have made it a part of this time to give me the last word as their elder.  I must say I have been very humbled by the whole process and I really look forward to this part of my day.  

We finish praying at about 5:50 and dinner is at 6.  After dinner I generally just come back to my room finish up any work for school and am in bed by 8:00 and exhausted. With a quick prayer of thanks I end my day and after about 15 minutes of reading am off to sleep as another day in this amazing place has come to an end.   

  

Exploring Vocation

One of the gifts which I received as I was preparing to come to India was a Book called "Let Your Life Speak - Listening for the Voice of Vocation", by Parker Palmer.  Palmer presents the idea that we cannot will what our vocation should be no matter how grand or ambitious our goals may be.  Rather he says that we must listen to hear what our vocation is to be, which may in fact not be what we think or want it to be.  For me this lines up with my understanding that Jesus has created us for a specific purpose which He uses our lives( if we are willing) to fulfill.  

This has been a subject of some searching lately as I struggle both with my desire to have what I left behind and my heart to follow God's will.  Lately I have been studying the book of Job and yes I see the irony that these are the daughters of Job that I serve.  My question to God has been; why is it that we struggle so much when we are in the middle of suffering when prior to that we may have been very blessed and happy in our walk with Him.  Not that I am suffering greatly right now, in fact I am quite comfortable but I still what what I left too.  

Job knew God's great blessing, and he wanted to stay in God's will. He prayed for his children when they held their feasts in case they sinned.  And yes Job's calamity was great, but it did not take him long to want to die.  He did not think to ask God if there was a purpose for what he was enduring.  But I ask that question.  Why must there be pain in our lives, and why is this the place we seem to need to be to learn anything?  Why is it that I just want to escape when things get hard when at other times I can be so sure of my desire to give God all that I have, all that He asks of me.  And I think that I should do this without thought for myself or complaint. 

This morning an old friend of Dr, Job spoke at Chapel.  It was an answer to my prayers earlier today.  He spoke about the alabaster jar that was broken and poured out at Jesus feet in an act of obedience and surrendered love.  The one who did this gave all she had, in abandonment to Jesus out of love.  She did not keep back anything for herself, she did what she was lead to do, and she gave all she had.  

What impacted me at first was yes that is what I want to do.  What I would like to be like in my most devoted heart of hearts.  Then I thought, yes I see why there must be a willingness to suffer.  Did Jesus not do this for us?  Are we not to be like Him.  I understood why there must be a cost, if there was no cost, what kind of a gift would it be?

What I did not expect and what always brings me to my knees was the mercy and compassion of Jesus who whispered in my heart; don't think that I do not see that this is your alabaster jar.  I know what you have given up, it has not gone unnoticed. This is why we want to give all we have, this is what brings us to surrender in absolute gratefulness that Jesus understands it all and says I know that you are giving what you have to give and that is all I ask.  It was Jesus who fed the 5000 from the boy's meager offer of loaves and fishes.  The boy did not give much but he gave what he had.   

Living Newsletter Vol. 1

Living The Gospel In India

Highlights

Wed, June 24, 2009 

Arrived at the Michael Centre at 11:30 a.m. after traveling for 34.5 hours plus changing time ahead 9.5 hrs.

Thurs June 25th to Sunday June 28th

March for The Girl Child - We marched in Coimbatore in a declaration for the girl child. protesting abortion and infanticide and also declaring the rights of girls in society.

Conference for the Persecuted Church - We heard testimonies of many who were in danger or persecuted for their faith

Thursday June 30, 2009  

started to teach in the UKG (Upper Kindergarten) class. I started with 61 students and at this time I have 66. 

Sunday July 12, 2009

Started to teach a modified Kingdom Course for the college and senior high school students who will hopefully step into teaching Sunday School to all the other younger girls with some adult support.

Teaching The Servant

While it is wonderful to have stories it is not always so easy to live the stories so that they will be a testimony to Jesus that will be worth telling. It does not matter where I am I always seem to be pushed down by the hard stuff in my life. I was getting used to the idea of having to come to grips with a class of 64 children. I really did not want to do this at all in my flesh, even though I think I knew all along that there would be young children in what the Lord was calling me to.  ( I really want to work with the older girls) 

Then  there was another demand out f the blue.  There was a knock on my door at about 8:00 p.m. Could I go to the dinning hall and supervise all the girls who were studying until 9:00?  Everything in me rises up; no, my flesh screams, I have done my time for the day, I am on my time now! I mumble something about being really tired and just about to go to bed, true but not right. I escape the duty for this night.

But then I struggle, it was only an hour - but then what? How much more can I go?

Now I must work my way through the testing and determine what is right here. I need to sit down and talk with the people here re what the routines are, and how I can best use my time.  But more important then that and this is the real issue, I need to go to Jesus for an attitude adjustment, my heart is not engaged in the lives of these girls enough, I am still trying to hold on to what I left behind. I am still keeping myself separate from this life, if Jesus called my here, then I need to listen to how He wants me to engage here.

Redeeming The Servant

July 8, 2009 - Today was such a good day.  I have been petitioning for help in the classroom with whoever would listen to me for days now. People are appointed then they leave part way through the day.  Today I was determine that I would not lose ground hard fought for in the morning, by having no one to help in the afternoon. I had three helpers in the morning and I was actually able to teach the children and they experienced that learning can be fun. At the end of the morning, because they were listening and doing their work we were able to sing some songs together and they really had fun with that.  They love rhymes and songs! I went to the Principal's office at lunchtime and thanked her for the help, I let her know how well the morning went and told her that I needed help on the afternoon also.  We had a great day, the children had fun and they are getting used to me. No little thanks to Jesus, as I have been praying diligently for His help and today He answered my prayers.  These children really want to learn but it is just as frustrating for them to have so many in the class as it is for me. I feel energized today instead of bone tired. All things are possible through Christ Jesus!

My UKG Class

Have you ever tried to teach a class of 64 children between the ages of 4 and 8 all at once? This is my K class.  At least I am beginning to know their names now.  They really are a wonderful group of girls full of ideas and energy.  They love it when you tell them they are doing well. The hard thing is that everything takes far too long and their are not enough resources to get through all the things I need to teach.  

This morning was great. I had four helpers, ( all teenage girls who are not doing well in school who need to fit in somewhere.) They are helpers in training.  We also got two new benches so now everyone has a place to work without being super crowded at the tables.  This should alleviate some stress.  Now we need to get them all at one designated place and put their names on their tables.  Then I can label the books by table also so we can had them out all together which will alleviate more of the waiting.   

By Thursday of last week after spending three days just shouting to try to get the girls attention I was wondering what I was doing here.  Oswald Chambers  in the book; So I Send You Workmen of God: talks about why Jesus uses the analogy of fishing in the disciples quest for souls.   "Before early dawn, about four in the morning you feel so amazingly cold and so amazingly indifferent that you don't know whether you care for anything."

I could relate to this, I was just simply too tired and too frustrated to think of how things could ever get better.  We must come to the place where we are out of answers of our own  before we cry out to Jesus.  I was also feeling very homesick as I watched all the other Internationals  leave to go back to their homes.  I was thinking that I bit off more then I could chew, can I really do this I thought?  I am slowly getting better at just looking at each day and staying in prayer as I go.  

Sometimes I wonder why God seems to give us the thing we feel least capable of doing.  Things are still up and down, I seem to have help in the morning and things go relatively well, then in the afternoon my helps seems to evapourate and I am back to shouting through the session with no success whatsoever.  I am learning that I need to accept my limitations, there is no guarantee that things will go well. Can I continue to go forward when I am having one of those times when I catch nothing at all in my net?  To take the analogy further, is there a way to throw my net on the other side? These are the questions that I must continue to ask.

Reality is beginning to set in.

Okay so now I am here, all the excitement of the conference has died away and it's time to do the ordinary life day to day. We all know that we live most of our lives in the valley and it is here that we learn the most as well. There are very few instant easy answers in life and it is no different for me here. I have a small room, granted I do have air conditioning although I keep it very low since I have to live in the heat during the day. I have a metal bed with a thin mattress, foam I think. I have a clothes line strung across my room and I wash my clothes in a bucket. I do have a room which always has water which was not true during the conference when I very seldom had water. The girls do not get water all the time just for short periods each day. With nearly 500 girls water is a pricey commodity. I am living in the same building with the girls and because I can only get the Internet when my door is open they all come by to try to worm their way in. They are beginning to realise that I am not about to let them in so they usually just come and say hi and go on. It is noisy here at night although the girls are supposed to be in bed at 9. They have to be up at 4:30 am and to make sure there is a siren which goes off here every morning and then the bells start ringing at 5 am. Chapel is at 5:30 to 6:30 then exercise in the outdoor stadium until 7, breakfast at 8 am and school parade starts at 9 am. I am teaching a class of 62 Kindergarten children who are from 5 to 8 years of age. I do not have a dedicated helper although others have had pity on me for short periods of time.

This is going to keep me on my knees, as I am convinced that Jesus has the answers to it all. He is not forthcoming yet however.

We not called to be successful, only faithful. I am determined to just keep showing up and to keep praying and waiting to learn how to go low. That's how Dr. Job introduced me to the girls, he said I went low so that the girls could learn to go high. There has to be something I can learn to do to reach these girls!!! I am determined to find out. I know that prayer and perseverance is the answer. So as I persevere you can keep praying!!!