Facing Jesus

In his book; So I Send You Workmen of God, Oswald Chambers says; " The greatest need of a servant is to be ready to face Jesus at any and every turn."

The Bible tells us that God wants to search our hearts; I believe that means he wants to get to know us, to stay close. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to really look into Jesus eyes? To have Him really look into you? I think that is what He wants. Just like with any true love there comes a time when you need to really take that step, trusting the other enough that you stop hiding and reveal the true you.

The problem often is that we don't know ourselves very well, we have hidden for so long that we forget who we really are underneath it all. Jesus helps us out, He challenges us to get out of the boat. I don't think He is bothered one bit by our failure either, He just wants us to be willing to join Him. In fact I think He sometimes laughs out loud at our fears and failures. For Him it means opportunity!

I have been praying for some time about my health, Ignatius would say we have no right to expect good health all the time. I fear this, I do not like to be sick. Lately I have been dealing with a very sore back. It is keeping me from getting things done and interfering with my sleep. I just want to make it go away. But Jesus has been using it to force me to look into His face. To listen to His counsel about what I need to do and what I do not need to do, and to believe what He has promised me He will do. He asked me if I would trust Him to do what He wants to do whether or not I am sick. That kind of sums it up doesn't it. It really is not about my comfort, or making things runs smoothly. It is about listening and doing what we are told.

I have been forced to stop running from pain, to be in it. I think I am beginning to get a glimpse of Jesus face and I am seeing His promises for me. Yes there is cost, nothing of value is without cost, but I am learning to trust Him a little more each day.

Who's Idea Was This?

Why am I going to India? The word says that God has the plans for our lives, and He knew them before the foundation of time. We only begin to see this as He unfolds His plans to us and that is really quite a phenomenal thing. I am constantly reminded of His sovereignty and all I can say is WOW! It's like working on a huge jigsaw puzzle and it is only when one piece fits into place that you see the possibility for the next piece.

I clearly remember thinking about serving Jesus in other countries as I listened to our pastor Art talk about his trip to China in January of 2003. I had always been interested in going on trip some day, I like to travel and it was one of those things that everyone should do at least once in their lives. But, as I listened to Art something was gripping me in a way I had never experienced before. My heart started to pound and I felt drawn in to everything that was said.

At the end of Art's message he asked if anyone felt drawn to this kind of service, was this for me? I had to admit that something was happening. I came up to the front for prayer, and the first thing that happened was that I heard Jesus speak to me (in my Spirit). This was still a very new experience for me. I heard "fear not" and I thought to myself, well that is something God would say. Then I heard; "Your children are in my hands" and I was shaken because I was just thinking about my kids. Then I swallowed and said okay, then I heard; "Now I have you where I want you." and I fell on the floor, not so much because I was slayed in the spirit but because my knees just gave out from under me! I knew this meant a huge change in who I understood myself to be.

Over the next couple of months I sought out everyone I could think of to pray for me and I was constantly asking the Lord to tell me where I was going. He had taken me through a series of prayers in which I gave Him everything; my house, my things, my work, my children, my independence. As a new Christian I was in a big hurry to "get there" I did not yet understand that this journey would last for the rest of my life.

One morning late in March, as I was lying on the floor crying out to God to tell me where He was sending me, the phone rang and Ester, a precious elderly missionary who had prayed for me several times was on the other end. She said she thought she knew where I was going and she began to describe a trip that was advertised in Voice of the Martyr, to India. I would never have picked India in a million years but I knew there was something to this because I felt that heart pounding excitement in my Spirit again.

My first trip to India took place in June of that year and I went again the next two years as well. It was on the second trip that I heard the Lord say that I would be coming back here to be a mother to the girls there. There would be some bumps in the road along the way and a couple of side trips to Guatemala and to Brazil, but it was all part of His plan,

When I came back from Brazil I felt the Lord say that the time had come to give my notice of retirement at work in June, and that I was to give a year's notice. That seemed at bit strange but I was obedient. I understand now that if I had waited and saw the downturn in the economy, I would not have given my notice.

So here I am now, my retirement is just four week away, the house is up for sale and before I know it I will be in living in India!

The Journey

 As I sit here I am thinking of a line from The Fellowship of The Ring, Sam stops in the middle of the field and says; "This is it, if I take one more step, it will be the farthest from home I have ever been." Frodo repeats something he has heard Bilbo say; "It's a dangerous thing Frodo, going out of your door, you step onto the road and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to."  

I am on a journey like none I have ever taken and the enormity of it all has been really hitting me over the past few days.  Time is marching on at a cruel rate of speed and I am afraid of losing my feet and being swept off in a sunnami that I will have no way of controling, ironically the idea is to give up control, to die to all that I have known and let Jesus lead me on His path of choice, breathtakingly exciting and terrifying at the same time. 

This is not the start of the journey it has been going on for some time but it is where I feel like if I take one more step, I will be the furthest away from home that I have ever been, home in the sense of the familiar.  India is not entirely unknown but going for three week stints is not the same as living there.  I have heard the Lord say several times that I must embrace India as my home for the time I am there, not counting the days until I leave, but rather embracing it as home, living there, connecting there, investing my life there.  

Being in transition is very uncomfortable, I  am not really fully here now, many things are ending, changing, yet I am not there yet either. My head is full of what might be and I do not want to dwell on that because my imagination will not be kind. I don't want to go ahead of Jesus either, the only safe place is firmly holding on to his garment. 

So the task at hand is just to be and let Jesus prepare me for the next steps.  "Be still and know that I am God" Teach me how to just sit in your presence Lord. I pray for the grace to be, knowing that You have everything in hand and will keep me. It is after all You who makes me lie down in still waters so that You can restore my soul, let it be so Lord!