The End of the Chapter

We never know as we begin a new chapter in our lives what may take place before we reach the end.  Beginnings are generally full of potential, especially when you have stepped into what seems a whole new place in your life.

The reality is that every new  chapter is still part of the same book which is your life and events unfold in ways you do not expect; sometimes they are glorious; sometimes disappointing,  but always part of a continuing story that generally is less and more then you expect or understand. 

We will never be able to put the whole puzzle of our lives together on this earth, I think when we are with Jesus, it will no longer matter.

This past week I have been forced to spend time in thought as my body refuses to cooperate and let me be as independent and well as I want to be.   The girls have been at my door every day, telling me they are praying for me, asking me to come back to school and be their teacher.  They cry when I say I can’t teach them now, and that I will be going home. Some move away and some hold on tighter as if they can convince me to stay for them.

I wonder what I have accomplished?  What is God is doing? I feel shame in my weakness and wonder whether he is disappointed in me.  I want to have a grand ending but I just don’t have the strength.   The reality is I never had much strength.  Jesus has accomplished some things I am sure, but it is hard to see them now.

What will I do now?  I am not hearing Jesus these days , though I call out and wait the answers do not come.  I cannot put things in perspective, I have no sense of where I am going or what I will do next. I feel disconnected from people as I sit in my room. It is way too introspective, I need to get beyond these circumstances and be able to soar above the storm with Jesus.  But I feel tired, I want to be stirred and ready to step out with Jesus but it’s just not there.

I listen as the clock ticks, time will move on, I will get back to Canada and then perhaps I will have a sense of God’s grace in all of this.  The though of coming home brings excitement but also sadness.  Lord I pray that you will make this chapter of my life a little easier to read and understand.

I know that your ways are not our ways Lord and that I am called to be faithful not successful.  I hope that I have accomplished that to some degree.  In time Lord I ask that by your grace I will see where you have moved here through all of my illness and failure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In His Hands

In Psalm 89 God talks about David’s line and the covenant that He will keep forever with him.  We too are a part of that covenant promise.   Jesus reinforced it when He said that He would never leave us or forsake us.  Yet how often do we forget that God is near? We are quick to believe the lies of the enemy who wants to kill steal and destroy and we do not see how we play into the enemies’ hands and give him permission through our sin to come and wreak havoc in our lives. 

Over the last week I have been in the middle of a life lesson, which made much of this very clear to me. 

Last Sunday afternoon as I was writing my sermon for the evening service I suddenly found myself in terrible all consuming pain.  Nothing I could do and no position I tried to get into would alleviate the pain.  I soon realized that I was in the middle of a gallbladder attack. I had not had such a bad attack since before my daughter was born thirty years ago. I knew what it was and I knew that all I could do was wait it out.  Finally after about four hours, cold sweaty and clammy having finally been able to vomit, I crawled into bed and fell asleep. 

I woke up the next morning and began to process where I was, how I was and why I had such a terrible time the day before. First there was the gallbladder attack, it had been brought on because of many bad choices on my part. I have been eating for comfort for years and limited choices (and self pity) have accentuated it here in India.

This is reaping and sowing.

“If they violate my decrees and fail to keep my commands, I will punish their sins with the rod, their iniquity with flogging” Psalm 89 vs. 32

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction.” Gal. 6:7-8a.

The Lord has spoken to me many times in warning about this and I have repented then repeated the sin of idolizing food again and again.  God will allow us to reap the fruit of our poor choices.

Also once I gave the enemy license then the attack on my health and peace of mind was on.  

“If you do what is right will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” Gen. 4:7

We are God’s kids but once we choose to sin we build a ledge that the devil can stand on. We give him authority in that area of our lives.

As a result of the gallbladder attack a stone was likely pushed out into my bile duct partially obstructing it and causing me to have Jaundice.  I did not go to the hospital for the attack but went a day later because of the Jaundice.  I got blood work, a urine test and an ultra sound done and then saw the surgeon who recommended an operation to clean out the bile duct and removal of my Gallbladder.

Fear was at work in my life. When I talked to my children that fear was then in them and they wanted me to come home. The doctor told me about complications if I had the procedures done or if they did not do them.  The Principal at the school wanted me to go home she said there was very little supply of negative blood in India and so if there were complications and bleeding is a possible complication of flushing out the ducts then I would be in big trouble.  Someone else wanted to fly me to New Delhi for surgery.  There were also many prayers, cautions and encouragement from friends all over who were with me on the journey in prayer.  I felt that the Lord was leading me to wait so we decided to wait and see until Friday and redo the tests.  Something deep in me was still keeping peace in my Spirit.

We never know about the path not taken but there were many options offered up to me that would have had a very different result.  I had been hearing many scenarios of disaster and death in my head over the past few days since the gallbladder attack. I woke up in the night the day I visited the doctor. I had been in a very deep sleep and I could hardly keep my eyes open and yet I had this feeling that something was really wrong.  I felt as if I had been on the brink of death when I woke up and my legs were shaking inside the way you do when you are in shock.  I had a hard time thinking straight.  I got myself up and went to the bathroom talking to myself to calm down as I went.  There did not seem to be any overwhelming pain, everything seemed to be working fine. I crawled back into bed and I was really tired, I wanted to go to sleep but I was afraid I would not wake up. I picked up the Bible and started reading the psalms.  These scripture verses jumped out at me.

“I lie down and sleep; I wake up again because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side.” Psalm 3:5-6

“I will lie down and sleep in peace for You alone, Oh Lord make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8  

I decided that God held me and so I should go to sleep. I waited two days in the hopes that my body would work things out on its own.  Because God holds us in His hand He is the one who ultimately does this.  I had prayed and sought prayer support and received all kinds of advice but I followed what I felt was the leading of the Lord. I began to have a deeper conviction that God was in this and He did have me and I would be okay.  While all the options were still being played in my head I began to be convicted that I knew where I was going.

“The thief comes to kill steal and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” John 10:10

This is called God’s Grace

Friday morning I got up and waited to go to the hospital for the next set of tests. I felt pretty good about where I was.  I began to just thank the Lord for the blessings in my life. As I sat at my desk listening to praise music and eating an apple, something in a song the girls had sung at chapel triggered a thought. The song they sang is called He Is Near and I realized it had been playing in my head all day yesterday. I decided that I was going to believe God I remembered my devotional for that day in which Oswald Chambers said; “The greatest need we have is not to do things but to believe things” 

So I began to pray; I choose to believe You Lord and I believe that You are speaking to me and I am hearing You. I choose to have hope and joy and life that You give and I believe that I will be fine and that you will hold me through the time I am here, as I travel to Bali and back and as I travel back to Canada.  I choose to believe your word Lord and I choose to receive your comfort Holy Spirit. I choose to believe now before I see the test results.

Then I was able to testify as I was being driven to the hospital that I knew that all would be well and that God would hold me until I go home.

When we got the test results I was very happy to say “I told you!” and Praise the Lord, may He get the glory!!!

   

 

In His Hands

So much has happened over the past couple of weeks I am playing catch-up here. After finding out that I would indeed be able to go to a Living Waters Conference in Bali Indonesia and after all the plans were made and the tickets were paid for (nonrefundable) I had a gallbladder attack.

I had my first gallbladder attack when I was pregnant with my daughter thirty years ago now. I was hospitalized but because I was pregnant they did not do surgery. After my daughter was born I had no more trouble for several years and only the odd minor attack or rumblings since so the doctor never felt there was a great need to get my gallbladder out.

When my mother died my already poor eating habits got worse and eating was the way I sought comfort and how I tried to avoid pain. When I got to India the food really became a focus for me of my lack of control over my life, no choice, always the same. It seemed all I was eating was rice and everyone heard about it. I started out with good intentions wanting to eat the right things but finding chips and nuts and cookies in the stores was easier then buying fruit which had to be carefully washed and spoiled fast and attracted ants etc. We are always so good at rationalizing these things. So one thing lead to another and then I had the attack.

We love to question things after the fact and I am no exception, would it have been different had I not eaten all that stuff for comfort and turned to Jesus instead, of course it would, but how things would have evolved if only is not for us to know, now I just move on and hopefully learn (as I lick my wounds) a better way. I know at least that I am not in bad company, I love the fact that God allowed all the mistakes into the Bible. thank you Lord that you let us learn from what we do wrong and thank you that you pick us up again when we fall.

The Lord is My Shepherd

As we drive around India I often see shepherds leading their flocks of sheep through out the countryside much as they must have been doing when Jesus walked among us.  It seems strange to realise that for more then 2000 years through political upheaval, wars, poverty, and sickness shepherds have walked this land and tended their sheep.   

Many of us who have grown up in busy cities have lost the understanding of life on the land, day to day, hand to mouth.  The shepherds must find food and water and rest for the sheep each day, they depend on what is around them to exist, when the rain comes there is the risk of flooding and no food or safe water, when the rain does not come, there is draught and no food or water.  Yet they continue to provide for the sheep leading them to where ever they can find food and water and rest. The sheep would die without the shepherd, they are not able to manage on their own.  They depend on the shepherd for life. 

We like lost sheep have gone astray. We don't know what dependence is. We have forgotten we need the shepherd.

For much of my life, I lived with the lie that I was in control of what happened to me and that I could handle whatever came on my own.  I just would do whatever I needed to do and that was that.  Life was hard and empty and a constant fight to get to whatever I was supposed to do next.  The more I looked in to myself the less I saw of what was around me and the more lonely and hard I became.  We are meant to be dependant.  God created us to need Him and His desire is to shepherd us, to meet our needs. 

When I became a Christian that began to change, but it is a process. Being in India has pulled me much further from my "control zone".  I have not been able to just do things and push through, God has forced me to look beyond myself more and more and to understand to a greater degree not only that He is in charge but also that He is my shepherd. He knows that I am one of the sheep who really can't manage on their own. 

When the opportunity to go to a conference in Bali Indonesia came up for me I struggled with whether or not I should go.  I prayed and sought the advice of others and everything seemed to indicate that I should go.  Yet it just seemed to good for me, I questioned myself for days and I continued to ask the Lord for confirmation that had already been given. We become our own enemies at times.  Finally one night as I went sleep I was praying out loud talking to God as is my habit and after drifting in and out of sleep I found myself saying the 23rd Psalm.  As it dawned on me what I was saying I felt the Lord say listen to my word. I am Your Shepherd, I will lead you to green pastures if you only believe I want to, that I love you and know what you need. 

Has the Lord been trying to tell you how much He loves you?  Are you listening for His still small voice? 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters. 

He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His names sake. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Your prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.