The air conditioning is cold, like death, I’d rather sweat.
It seems so surreal; lying in the hospital, is this my life? Why did you call me here LORD? Am I so lost I can’t see it? How did I get here?
Walking through time, I think of how it began.
Arrival, tired, emotionally spent, fragile, I feel my walls rising up yet you come along. Your voice echoes. Hold on to my garment.
Then!, finally I see their faces, the girls Lord, the girls! Shy smiles, eyes reaching out.
"You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours
You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours "
My feelings and fears are being used against me. I am dying from a thousand small cuts.
I hear my familiy's heart cry, why have you abandoned me? Will they ever understand Lord? Why does my heart cry out so within me? Why are you in despair oh my soul? Please God, move this mountain.
I wake up to someone crying in the courtyard, not the usual sound but a deep pain as I hear the cry… mommy. But mommy cannot answer.
Each girl here feels that pain too. Be a quiet presence Barb
Then there is my class, 62 faces with names I can’t pronounce, they are watching me. Running to just get ahead, just enough to gain some space to think, what will work?
Help me God, I have to think on my feet, my back hurts, I circle the room, stretching for that teachable moment when I can reach inside just one heart before I get behind again. The sweat runs down my face, what is coming next?, got to stay ahead think, games, stories, but first I have to keep them in their seats.
I’ve hit a wall I don’t know how to go forward and I cannot go backward. I will not let go of your garment Lord; I can’t let go of what you have for me to do.
Be a quiet presence Barb, watch their faces, smile at them, pray for them.
Like a mother watching her daughter’s school play, I smile at each one, … they begin to smile back. (smile) My heart lights up like a candle.
"I’ll set you as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters cannot quench this love. "
Come be our mentor they say, come to the prayer room. I am not worthy! God, I feel so insignificant, bare feet, covered heads down on the floor on their faces, they cry out, passionate, desperate, nothing to lose cries going into the room and being gathered up like liquid gold, honey to the Lord, filling the bowls and being lifted up still higher. Mentor you, no, cruel joke, sorry it’s just not there, you mentor me.
Is suffering futility, does it pay a price for them, do we buy something with our suffering? Mother Theresa had the very weakest bedridden people intercede for her; she said their suffering brought glory for those who were dying. Does it work that way Lord?
My life is not so terrible that I cannot endure it, nor so hard it is without consolation, yet I long for the familiar, for what I left behind. I try to avoid what is at hand and I am blind to what you say see, I cannot gain what you would give me so that my heart could be completely yours.
You say: “bring the alabaster jar to me pour it out, give all that you have to serve me and it will bring glory, You will see it look in the eyes of the daughters of Job.
"You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours
You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours "
There is a hierarchy here; I see the little ones gather around the water filter at 4 a.m., filling bottle after bottle for their room. The kindergarten and grade one girls carry book bags, homework for a future grade, and line them up against the wall of the church to be collected latter by those whose work it is.
Pastor Sharjan, circles the halls at night, chasing the demons the girls cry about, they are real; there is a battle here. Not all that goes on behind children’s closed doors is good. There is a hunger that naws in their bellies, a need not to be alone. They search for something to take away the sting of abandonment and fear.
Days pass, life finds it’s rhythm. I remember a dream; someone is sick, there is a van and they are wired up inside it. I hear the Lord say I will take care of you. I write it in my journal but it is forgotten.
Sunday afternoon and the ordinariness of the day hides the pain to come. It sneaks in under the radar of consciousness, it slowly swallows me up increasing in waves of intensity. Then in a moment of déjà vu it is on top of me, I cannot move, I cannot stay still, I can no longer stifle the moans that rise from within. I know what this is. Oh yes, I remember this pain, it’s identity was locked in my memory and now suddenly it’s upon me. It’s a gallbladder attack, how is it that such a small organ can so incapacitate me.
I just get past this, something in my head quotes a statistic, two to four hours for an attack... How long is there left? Release finally comes.
"I’ll set you as a seal upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters cannot quench this love. "
It’s daylight, positive self talk, It will be okay. Just rest today… draw me in Lord. Messages go out, concern comes back, eyes betray a tender caring that I struggle to receive.
Whispering prayers, the army has been called out and the prayers go out like ripples in the pond. Pastor Jake comes to pray, their church is praying 24 hours a day Lord, I was only there three times, yet they are praying. Thank You.
Finally I am out of the hospital; girls watch and wave nervously as I am walk to my room. Knocks come, I hear them through the door; we are praying; Auntie Barbara we are praying for you, come soon, come soon.
"You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours
You won’t relent until you have it all
My heart is yours "
I slip into the back seats of the chapel, easy to escape from here. Dr. Job announces my presence and calls the girls to pray; Sister Barbara come and speak! I have no words! Yet somehow I am at the front and I hear myself say; God has used my weakness to show me how you suffer with wounds and fevers and the pain of your loneliness. He wants me to tell you He is with you as He is with me. He carries you as He carries me.
I cry when I say I must go home. All the girls gather around me, their tears mingle with mine. We are praying for you; echoes in my ears.
The letters came from many; younger, older many who never spoke to me;
Blessed conversations with You in the middle Lord. Thank You for letting me see your face Jesus.
Last day with the girls … a chance to see redemption. Older girls hear the truth about identity. You are lifting up their faces with your words Jesus.
Goodbye tears, don’t let go, don’t forget me. Come back soon!
"Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until you and I are one"
Note - the quoted material is a Misty Edwards song called You Won't Relent.
