Being a Quiet Presence
I have been asking the Lord what He wants me to do here and I have heard; “Be a quiet presence” What I understand this to mean for me is that I am visible, available to the girls; that they know I am here for them. I have been trying to live this out, to be available to the girls. I have made it a point to be at the chapel service as often as I can be, to be on time for meals, to be outside when the girls line up for the assemblies. I smile at everyone as they go by and say hello to everyone when I get eye contact. I have often felt invisible or even silly as I walk about. I wonder what the girls think of this western old lady with grey hair who does things differently from all the others they know. Adults in authority here do not sing when the children do, or join in to the children’s games.
Dr. Job has often referred to me and the sacrifice I made to come here, he uses me as an example far more then I find comfortable and I think the girls are not sure what to make of all that. I have often wanted to hide but I just keep doing what I am doing and quietly going about my days. The girls are beginning to warm up to me. I walk through the courtyard outside my room and I hear the girls call out from various places; “Hello Auntie Barbara!” They smile as I go by and they have begun to visit me and ask me for prayer for wounds or because they have a test or are in a sporting event. As I walk to the dinning hall or to chapel in the morning I feel a little hand slip into mine, often without words. I feel very humbled and honoured by them. I am struck by a profound sense of unworthiness. I hope it is Jesus they see.
There is one girl in particular who has attached herself to me. Her name is Iona. She is in my class and comes to prayer and sits with me or joins me in the chapel after the singing. She scolds me when I go into town and miss prayer. She wraps herself in my scarves in the mornings and pulls my prayer shawl over her head during prayer times. She is a little girl, very small who seems very old at times. I watch her as she sings in chapel so intent doing all the actions; she is very special in her way. I often see her going out of her way to help other girls, especially those who are picked on or hurt. I wonder about all God is doing in the lives of these girls.
I have been praying in intercession for the girls both when I watch them sing every morning in the chapel and as I walk over the property every day, claiming Jesus Kingdom will come in this place. I have also started walking inside the hostel through the hallways and past all the girl’s rooms. I feel very convicted about continuing to pray in intercession for these girls and also to encourage them to expect the Lord to come and to pray for it and for each other. Many of the girls are praying, the ones I pray with every day and also others in little pockets all over the hostel. There have been powerful moves of the spirit here where girls were saved and some have had dreams and visions. Yet there seems to be a struggle over this place. I feel convicted that God has already won the victory but we need to claim it and believe it. I pray for the Holy Spirit to come but then chicken out before much time has passed. While I am confident that God is working, I am not so confident that He is using me. Communication is also a big barrier, I don’t know how much is grasped when I speak, I never get much feedback but they keep asking me to speak so I guess that is a good sign.
Being in another culture can be profoundly lonely just because it is just not the same as what you are used to. Subtle differences may not seem important yet I continue to be tripped up by them. The other day one of the college girls moved my watch so that the face was on the inside of my arm. “You should wear it this way”, she said; “It is not considered appropriate for a woman to have such a large clock face on her watch.”
The Lord tells me to wait on Him and trust Him so I keep on going, trying to be a quiet presence, and trying to watch and understand what is happening around me, sometimes I am profoundly aware that Jesus is here and I struggle not to be completely undone for no apparent reason.
Community
This is the courtyard in the middle of the hostel where all the girls live. My room is on the ground floor, far left corner on the back wall. Life happens here. Games are played in the courtyard. Laundry is hung along the hallways. People visit up and down the halls. The youngest children have common showers in the courtyard in the mornings, running and laughing as my own children did playing under the hose on the lawn. I am struck by this similarity, but then I think about the differences. My children went to bed in their own home at night and they had their mother to read them a story. These girls go to bed in a room with six or seven other children and there are at least two to a bed, and they all live in one room with three or four bunk beds and a desk, nothing more. Life is better for these children then for many yet there is always a heaviness in the lack of emotional nurturing. These girls seem so old, even at five or six years of age. There is no escaping the lack of parenting they must feel. They seem to do well day to day but at times they all look very lost. I struggle with this and wonder how I can help, I feel so inadequate. I know they all need mothers and there are 500 of them and only one of me so I hold back thinking I can’t possibly meet the need. Is this common sense or selfishness? Jesus please show me what to do.
