Living the Gospel Vol. 3

Commitment

“God himself laid down the law when He built the universe. He knew when He made it what the price was going to be. God did not hold back His only son, but gave Him up to pay the price for our failure and sin.”  Taken from Beyond the Gates of Splendor by Elisabeth Elliot (A quote from Nate Saint’s diary)

This has always been true for anyone who submits their life to God as well. We must be willing to pay the price it requires. But when we say ‘Lord I belong to you’, do we know what we are saying.  I have been struggling with this reality over the past year as I have walked out my commitment to God. I have learned along the way that saying yes and walking it out are two very different things. Giving away my stuff seemed like a test at the time but now that seems like the easy part. Leaving my life in Canada behind was harder but in the back of my mind I was still holding on to my old life and thinking I could go back to it again, even though the Lord had clearly told me that I could never come back to what I was leaving.  Being here for a long time is very different from a short-term trip. That seems obvious but it hit me in ways I did not expect. No one here hugs like we do at home, you would think that would not be a big deal but it is.  I focused on the monotony of the food but I am beginning to realize that what I was really missing was my independence. It is not just what you eat but when and where you eat and what you do each day. Culture differences lead to many misunderstandings and unclear expectations both for me and for those I am working with. I am often unsure if others really get what I am saying. Then there is my future.  Being here for 9 months is one thing but what if God wants me to come back?

I want more then anything to follow the Lord’s will for my life but I am struggling with giving up my old life to do that.

And yet there is so much need and if I am going to really be used to fill some of that need I want to see it through.  I want to see these girls lives changed in meaningful ways.  I want to see Jesus work in their lives. And I believe in God’s promises that He will provide so much more then we could ask or imagine. I cannot go backward, I know what it feels like to be out of God’s will and I don’t want to endure that again. 

Amy Carmichael once said; “The vows of God are upon me. I may not stay to play with shadows or pluck earthly flowers, till I my work have done and rendered up account.” 

I cannot rest knowing there is a call on me to do this work, not until the Lord says it is done. 

I found this quote in a book called Jesus Driven Ministry written by Ajith Febnando, a man from Shri Lanka who works for Youth For Christ Ministries, he says;

“None of us takes to the cross naturally. Sacrifice hurts, and the hurt is real. But there is a deeper desire in us then that of simply avoiding pain. We want to do the will of God. As Jesus prays in the gospels ‘not what I will, but you will.’ Mark 14:36 In the prayer in John he prays; ‘Father Glorify your name!’ John 12:28 God’s response to Christ’s words are “I have glorified and I will glorify it again.’ John 12:28b. “This word of God teaches us that when we come face to face with the immensity of the sacrifice we must make because of our call, God reminds us that He will turn this event to bring glory to Him, just as He made previous events glorious. This truth helps us brace ourselves to face the cross before us.”

That about sums it up for me, I have no idea where I am going from here, but I have determined in my heart that I must do the will of Him who sent me, whatever that requires. I want to be an example of how to walk in the Spirit and I pray over and over; “Lord I cannot do anything without you please come by Your Holy Spirit and work through me.”  I know that I have to look to what He wants to do and rise above my own circumstances.

In his book “Passion For Jesus”, Mike Bickle says;

“Our lives only have meaning as we understand them with respect to obedience to Christ Jesus who is seated at the Father’s right hand. If we lose our focus on Him, then we lose our connection with reality, purpose, and order. If we lose our vision of the throne of God as the centre of everything we live for, then we lose our spiritual equilibrium and emotional stability. We lose our resolve to endure temptation and hardship (James 1:12). We lose our motivation to bless our enemies. We lose the main reason why God releases His power through our ministry. When we lose the awareness of God our Father on this throne with Jesus seated at His right hand, then our problems become insurmountable in our thinking. The despair can seem unbearable. We forget that everything else passes away, and nothing has any significance and relevance outside the reality of the Person upon this throne. All else is temporal, except the things that are pleasing to Him.”

Now in the midst of it all I also feel such an urgency to get things accomplished. I had a long talk with the pastor and doors are opening to do some teaching and perhaps some prayer ministry for inner healing with the older girls.  I talked to him about what I see in the faces and bodies of these girls as they stand in the choir every morning.  Some of them are filled with bitterness and are really feeling like God is not at all there for them.  There is pain and loneliness and anger in some of the faces I see.  Many of the girls look quite lost and hopeless. There are some bright lights in the crowd as well but they tire because they carry the weight of the others.  

As I spend time with the prayer group to the left, I am reminded of my own journey of how lost I once was; how very close to death, and how the Lord rescued me. And now He is redeeming my life for these girls who have faced many similar situations in their young lives. I must be there for them. I must be willing to submit myself and my plans to His service, if not why am I here?

“It is not the level of our spirituality that we can depend on. It is God and nothing else but God, for the work is God’s and the call is God’s and everything is summoned by Him and to His purposes, the whole scene, the whole mess, the whole package – our bravery and our cowardice, our love and our selfishness, our strengths and our weaknesses …
‘For we are no better than pots of earthenware to contain His treasure (the revelation of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ) and this proves that such transcendent power does not come from us, but is God’s alone’ 2 Cor. 4:7, NEB” Elisabeth Elliot, Through the Gates of Splendor.

Marking Territory

It is early in the morning, as I take off my shoes to go into the chapel Iona comes up behind me.  She takes her shoes off and carefully places them on top of mine and takes my hand to go inside.  As we get to my place she turns to me and hands me a cup. Her words are few; ‘keep’ she says as she goes off to sing.  After the choir has finished their songs she rushes back to climb up onto the chair beside me saved by the cup sitting on it.

Another girl, Gena comes to my door before lunch, come quick Auntie Barbara she shouts as she bangs on my door.  She is first to greet me for lunch, first to hold my hand.  Others join as we walk down the hall but she got their first.

On Saturdays I generally stay in my room to do my laundry and read and pray, the girls know this and after some testing have tried hard to respect my time.  Last Saturday there was a knock at my door just before I was to get into bed.  Gena was there.  I just wanted to say goodnight she says as she blows me a kiss. 

Others take turns coming to my door, they pull out my chair for me for lunch, they crowd around to spell all the words they can think of.  They all want me to be their auntie and they look for ways to have a little of my attention, a little of my time just for them.  

I have been watching how they each stake out their territory. And I have tried hard to give them what individual attention I can.  I try to listen to each one, when three or four are all telling me something at once.  I pray for them when they have wounds and hug them and hold them as they come to me so each one gets that special touch.  They are beginning to be able to wait a little but they still fight over who gets my hands.  I try to teach them to make a little room for each other when I know they all need individual time.

Sometimes they ask when I am going home.  They also back off at times, it seems they don’t want to give more of their heart then they can afford to lose.  Many people come and go here.  Some come back, some do not. I try to understand their perspective, it must be hard to give yourself to others when you know they will leave but if not that then to whom do you go? 

Sunday Services

I went to a service at a Penticostal Church in the nearby village of Sulur on Sunday.  It was fun to get out of the compound and experience something new.  Although the service was in Tamil and I did not understand a word of it, I soon became very aware that my spirit could understand and that I was being fed as I sat in the prayer and worship.  It reminded me of the many churches I was in both in Guatemala and Brazil where I had experienced the same kind of awareness of Holy Spirit's loving presence. 

I think this happens in all of our lives more often then we take time to realise.  I find that my desire to be in control of things is constantly leading me,and I am always thinking of what I should do or how I should be in any given situation.  When I don't know what to expect or what is being said I am forced to simply wait, and watch and that is quite refreshing. When I think about it I realise that the Lord speaks to us from a place where we have no understanding. I really don't know who God is (my understanding is just too limited) and I never allow myself to really believe for the big picture of all that He desires to show me, I feel a bit like a hockey player constantly vieing for control of the puck which is moving just too fast for me to see.  I think our heavenly Father must sometimes tire of us the same way we would a toddler who is constantly running in the wrong direction. 

It boils down to trust, can we follow without understanding, trusting that our dad will look after us and so we don't have to worry about all the whys and hows? This has been the challenge that I have been asked to face here.  In Chambers devotional My Utmost For His Highest, (which I both love to read and reject on various days) he mentions on several occasions that the Lord in His mercy does not always show us how He is using us, and that we should simply walk in obedience and not be concerned about it.  Now that is a challenge.  

Popularity

I am becoming a student of human behaviour as I watch the children interact with each other and as they interact with me.  I have seen some wonderful exchanges of tenderness, caring and affection between children of all ages but I notice that some children get very little attention, some get only negative attention and others get a lot of affection.  In some cases children are hard to reach because they are so traumatized that they are "not there" emotionally and do not respond to the play and attention given by others.  There are also very definite cultural preferences among the children who come from various places. But I also think that personalities and cuteness for lack of a better word also play a large part in their interactions. 

Today as I walked back to the hostel after chapel I was as usual escorted out of church by two children who were holding my hands as three or four others shouted at me or walked around us.  Then something very interesting happened, the girls were as usual speaking to each other in their own tongue, whether it was Tamil or Hindi or Malarium or whatever else I do not know but they were talking to each other.  One of the girls who was holding my hand let go to get her shoes on (they take them off before going into the church) and another came and took her place, the one on the other side also left. Then the girl who already had my one hand took the other one as well. It dawned on me at this time that she was saving the second girl's place with me while she went to get her shoes.  The first girl arrived back and tried to wrestle my hand from the other girl, I told her they did not need to fight, that they could both hold on ( It is not the first time I have had girls pound each other in the back to get my hand) meanwhile the other girl came back to claim her place  at my other hand.  Try as she might the first girl was unable to get a satisfactory position on my arm and since the other girl would not let go she left crying and walking on the other side of the road.  These girls want so much to have my attention yet there is also this hierarchy among them that is hard to understand.  I try to stay available to all of them but these kind of exchanges are unsettling.  Sometimes by trying to settle things I seem to make them worse so mostly I try to keep peace without showing favourites and then wait and watch to see what they do. Since the conversations are a mixture of broken English and many other Indian languages it is hard to follow. 

The way the girls connect with me is also interesting, there is a kind of friendly hit on the arm, and they also like to pinch you as a sign of affection or sometimes to get your attention. I do best one to one where there is a chance to talk and get to know each other.  Most of the girls like a kind of flying hug where they grab my arm as they go past and pull in close then keep going.  Most of them cannot handle a full on hug so far. They will accept a small back rub or a squeeze on the arm, but I think they are always trying to guard their hearts because experience has shown them that everyone leaves again sooner or latter. 

When there are many girls around it can get a little scary as they vie for my attention.  As I already mentioned they may hurt each other or they can get quite rough with me, pinching me or hitting me on the arm if I do not respond quickly enough.  If I have candy or some other gift I can be very quickly swarmed because they are all so afraid that they will be missed.  I now try to only give them things when they are seated at their desks in the school, that way I can get to all of them without them grabbing and pushing to make sure they are not missed. I have to constantly remind myself of where they come from and always think ahead and explain things before I do them so that they understand I will not miss any of them.  

Last Saturday night we were all in the chapel watching a movie and after the movie ended we walked back to the hostel.  The hostel is always locked up at night but generally not until the girls are all in.  For some reason it was already locked so there were about 200 of us outside waiting for someone to unlock the door.  It took a couple of minutes but then some one came.  

When the door was unlocked everyone pushed for it at once and within seconds small girls were being pushed over as everyone tried to get in.  Thankfully some of the older girls started grabbing the littlest ones and pulling back the crowd as they shouted at them to slow down.  Why they were in such a hurry I don't know as they were only going to bed but there is always this urgency to get whatever is going first.  It was easy to see how people can very easily be hurt when there is no order to what they are doing. 

While there are many rules of organization set by those who oversee the girls, it is clear there is much more I need to learn about their own rules of organization as well.