Today many people have adopted this term for training programs based on the original one developed by the military where the term was used to describe an indoctrination for recruits to get them ready to serve. The program involved intense physical fitness training, and orientation to the demands of the job and the culture, weapons training and basic instruction in service related subjects. The program was designed to push recruits to their limits. I found out that God thought of this first.
I thought I knew what it would be like, I had given up all my material stuff, I had said good bye to my church, my family and my job and colleges there. I had even overcome a bad back (with the help of my chiropractor and much prayer). But, this was just the beginning of what was to come.
I arrived in India tired and emotionally spent. Saying goodbye to my family and especially my daughter was much harder then I thought. Leaving my house and knowing it was gone brought the reality of what I had done into focus.
The Conference that Dr. Job always holds at this time of year was a temporary distraction and gave me a little breathing room as I greeted old friends and soaked up the teachings. But soon that week was over and I was tired and fragile and unable to keep from crying and I didn't understand why. I was struggling with this deep pain that was worse then when my husband left and worse then when my mother died. I could not even say my daughter's name without crying. I felt like a wall had risen up, I wanted to do God’s will but I feared I would fail. I did not know how to let go of my pain; I did not know how to go forward.
I was coming face to face with the reality of being dropped into a very different culture. I was trying to adjust to a whole different lifestyle living with 500 very needy girls and trying to teach 62 girls in a Kindergarten class. I knew I was in way over my head and I knew that only God could save me. I had been crying out to God but I just was not hearing Him He seemed so far away, and I felt very alone. I knew I needed to look to Jesus but I felt so needy that I spent a lot of time nursing my pain.
But I was learning how to persevere. Slowly, despite the fact that I didn’t think I was hearing the Lord, I began to understand that He was changing my way of thinking. I had really struggled with what seemed to me to be a breaking point, how can I be obedient to the Lord by being here when I couldn't leave my old life and relationships behind. How could I live there? At the same time I knew I could never go against my Lord. I cried out to God to help me. God was removing this mountain for me. He was changing how I understood my relationships with those I left behind, and giving me a healthier way of relating.
The Lord was also showing me that there was more coming against me then my own feelings. I was in a dark place and I needed to stay close to Jesus to stay in the light. Many of these girls were deeply troubled, there was much inner wounding that would need to be addressed and there were very real strongholds set up by the enemy, to keep that from happening. I felt I was dying from a thousand small cuts. But again God was teaching me how to discern, and then walk.
I became a quiet presence. I watched how the girls were relating to each other. I began to actively encourage the girls in any way I could. Letting those who were struggling know that I was praying, and smiling at everyone who gave me eye contact. I watched and waited for opportunities to show these girls the love of God.
I struggled in the classroom with my Kindergarten class. I slowly began to get control in the room and then finally I was able to actually teach the girls something. They began to respond to my style of teaching and I saw improvements in their confidence and understanding. I was learning how to use the weapons in the Word to get what I needed to overcome. The children began to see that I would pray for anyone who needed prayer. Children with wounds and fevers came and asked for prayer and I encouraged them to say thank you to Jesus for their healing. I was beginning to to teach what Jesus taught, I was learning to reach out.
Although not all of the girls knew Jesus as their savior there were many strong warriors who were leading prayer groups and actively involved in discipleship and ministry. There were three regular prayer groups that I knew of, one which met every day at 5, which I often attended. When I prayed with these girls for the first time I was so moved by their passion and sincerity that I just cried, they asked me to mentor them and to speak and I could hardly communicate. I simply felt unworthy to even be there, I was way behind them, and how could I possibly teach them anything? God was humbling me and teaching me through them.
As I go back through my journal now I realize that I never stopped praying though I often felt very far away from God. I was now able to see His grace. Much of my prayers were underscored with “as an act of my will” as though through clenched teeth. I know that is how I felt much of the time. The Lord led me to read and study the book of Job; I find that almost funny now looking back on it. I am sure God does have a sense of humor. But He was gently reminding me of my own grumbling, self-righteousness and weakness in the midst of the struggle.
On July 17th (the day after my birthday) I wrote; “We see suffering as futility yet you Lord suffered for our very lives. We believe that happiness is our right, and when we cannot find it we wallow in self-pity. Why is it that we put so much stock in a familiar place? My life is not so terrible that I cannot endure it, nor so hard that there is no consolation; yet I long for the familiar, for what I left. I try to avoid what is at hand; I do not see all that you would have me see. I do not gain what you would give me if only my heart were completely yours.”
In Mark 14:3-9 we read about the alabaster jar. I listened to a visitor speak on this passage one morning shortly after that and he made four points and I used them as a prayer to God.
- I will give all I have to serve you.
- I do not want to hold anything back. I will empty everything out.
- You only ask us to give what we have.
- Breaking is painful but it brings glory to the name of God.
I determined that I would not give up when the going got hard. I dug in harder and continued to pray and intercede for the girls and for the staff here. I made some good connections with the Pastor and I shared some of my concerns about things the Lord was showing me in the girls. That opened a door for me because the Pastor was able to see that God was in it. I was able to tell him things about the girls that I could not know in the natural and he began to see that I was there by God’s will. He shared his heart for the girls with me and we prayed together and things moved forward just a little. I was learning to fight back.
Talking to Scott and hearing from many here at home helped me to gain perspective. Then I read in my devotional “Whenever anything begins to disintegrate your life with Jesus, turn to Him, at once, asking Him to give you rest” That was confirmation for me that God was indeed on His throne, and a reminder that I had to hold on and not let go.
Things began to get easier. I was into a good routine at school for the most part. The younger girls were always with me. They ran to meet me, hung on to me as I walked, sang with me and played with me every chance they got. My biggest problem now was keeping them from hurting each other in their competition to get my attention or hold my hands.
When I got sick I struggled again, I questioned my ability to hear God, my value in this place, and I was being cornered by fear. As I went through my journal I found this entry on September 11th. “I was dreaming a lot last night. I remember bits of one dream about someone who had some kind of serious medical condition who was wired up so that he/she was protected medically in a special van.” God had told me He was there for me but I missed it at the time.
But I saw how many people all around the world were faithfully praying for me. I was held up by all those prayers. When I got back to the compound I continued to struggle with my own weakness, I felt useless because I was not doing anything. I wrote about this in this blog and you will see by the comment that I had been warned about this as well. God's grace has been all over my life. He continued to show me that He was in fact doing great things despite my weakness and I got to be a part of it.
Even as I rest back here at home God is continuing to teach me about what happened in my own "boot camp" and He is indeed preparing me for what is to come.
