Boot Camp

Today many people have adopted this term for training programs based on the original one developed by the military where the term was used to describe an indoctrination for recruits to get them ready to serve. The program involved intense physical fitness training, and orientation to the demands of the job and the culture, weapons training and basic instruction in service related subjects. The program was designed to push recruits to their limits. I found out that God thought of this first.

I thought I knew what it would be like, I had given up all my material stuff, I had said good bye to my church, my family and my job and colleges there. I had even overcome a bad back (with the help of my chiropractor and much prayer). But, this was just the beginning of what was to come.

I arrived in India tired and emotionally spent. Saying goodbye to my family and especially my daughter was much harder then I thought. Leaving my house and knowing it was gone brought the reality of what I had done into focus.

The Conference that Dr. Job always holds at this time of year was a temporary distraction and gave me a little breathing room as I greeted old friends and soaked up the teachings. But soon that week was over and I was tired and fragile and unable to keep from crying and I didn't understand why. I was struggling with this deep pain that was worse then when my husband left and worse then when my mother died. I could not even say my daughter's name without crying. I felt like a wall had risen up, I wanted to do God’s will but I feared I would fail. I did not know how to let go of my pain; I did not know how to go forward.

I was coming face to face with the reality of being dropped into a very different culture. I was trying to adjust to a whole different lifestyle living with 500 very needy girls and trying to teach 62 girls in a Kindergarten class. I knew I was in way over my head and I knew that only God could save me. I had been crying out to God but I just was not hearing Him He seemed so far away, and I felt very alone. I knew I needed to look to Jesus but I felt so needy that I spent a lot of time nursing my pain.

But I was learning how to persevere. Slowly, despite the fact that I didn’t think I was hearing the Lord, I began to understand that He was changing my way of thinking. I had really struggled with what seemed to me to be a breaking point, how can I be obedient to the Lord by being here when I couldn't leave my old life and relationships behind. How could I live there? At the same time I knew I could never go against my Lord. I cried out to God to help me. God was removing this mountain for me. He was changing how I understood my relationships with those I left behind, and giving me a healthier way of relating.

The Lord was also showing me that there was more coming against me then my own feelings. I was in a dark place and I needed to stay close to Jesus to stay in the light. Many of these girls were deeply troubled, there was much inner wounding that would need to be addressed and there were very real strongholds set up by the enemy, to keep that from happening. I felt I was dying from a thousand small cuts. But again God was teaching me how to discern, and then walk.

I became a quiet presence. I watched how the girls were relating to each other. I began to actively encourage the girls in any way I could. Letting those who were struggling know that I was praying, and smiling at everyone who gave me eye contact. I watched and waited for opportunities to show these girls the love of God.

I struggled in the classroom with my Kindergarten class. I slowly began to get control in the room and then finally I was able to actually teach the girls something. They began to respond to my style of teaching and I saw improvements in their confidence and understanding. I was learning how to use the weapons in the Word to get what I needed to overcome. The children began to see that I would pray for anyone who needed prayer. Children with wounds and fevers came and asked for prayer and I encouraged them to say thank you to Jesus for their healing. I was beginning to to teach what Jesus taught, I was learning to reach out.

Although not all of the girls knew Jesus as their savior there were many strong warriors who were leading prayer groups and actively involved in discipleship and ministry. There were three regular prayer groups that I knew of, one which met every day at 5, which I often attended. When I prayed with these girls for the first time I was so moved by their passion and sincerity that I just cried, they asked me to mentor them and to speak and I could hardly communicate. I simply felt unworthy to even be there, I was way behind them, and how could I possibly teach them anything? God was humbling me and teaching me through them.

As I go back through my journal now I realize that I never stopped praying though I often felt very far away from God. I was now able to see His grace. Much of my prayers were underscored with “as an act of my will” as though through clenched teeth. I know that is how I felt much of the time. The Lord led me to read and study the book of Job; I find that almost funny now looking back on it. I am sure God does have a sense of humor. But He was gently reminding me of my own grumbling, self-righteousness and weakness in the midst of the struggle.

On July 17^th (the day after my birthday) I wrote; “We see suffering as futility yet you Lord suffered for our very lives. We believe that happiness is our right, and when we cannot find it we wallow in self-pity. Why is it that we put so much stock in a familiar place? My life is not so terrible that I cannot endure it, nor so hard that there is no consolation; yet I long for the familiar, for what I left. I try to avoid what is at hand; I do not see all that you would have me see. I do not gain what you would give me if only my heart were completely yours.”

In Mark 14:3-9 we read about the alabaster jar. I listened to a visitor speak on this passage one morning shortly after that and he made four points and I used them as a prayer to God.

• I will give all I have to serve you.
• I do not want to hold anything back. I will empty everything out.
• You only ask us to give what we have.
• Breaking is painful but it brings glory to the name of God.

I determined that I would not give up when the going got hard. I dug in harder and continued to pray and intercede for the girls and for the staff here. I made some good connections with the Pastor and I shared some of my concerns about things the Lord was showing me in the girls. That opened a door for me because the Pastor was able to see that God was in it. I was able to tell him things about the girls that I could not know in the natural and he began to see that I was there by God’s will. He shared his heart for the girls with me and we prayed together and things moved forward just a little. I was learning to fight back.

Talking to Scott and hearing from many here at home helped me to gain perspective. Then I read in my devotional “Whenever anything begins to disintegrate your life with Jesus, turn to Him, at once, asking Him to give you rest” That was confirmation for me that God was indeed on His throne, and a reminder that I had to hold on and not let go.

Things began to get easier. I was into a good routine at school for the most part. The younger girls were always with me. They ran to meet me, hung on to me as I walked, sang with me and played with me every chance they got. My biggest problem now was keeping them from hurting each other in their competition to get my attention or hold my hands.

When I got sick I struggled again, I questioned my ability to hear God, my value in this place, and I was being cornered by fear. As I went through my journal I found this entry on September 11^th. “I was dreaming a lot last night. I remember bits of one dream about someone who had some kind of serious medical condition who was wired up so that he/she was protected medically in a special van.” God had told me He was there for me but I missed it at the time.

But I saw how many people all around the world were faithfully praying for me. I was held up by all those prayers. When I got back to the compound I continued to struggle with my own weakness, I felt useless because I was not doing anything. I wrote about this in this blog and you will see by the comment that I had been warned about this as well. God's grace has been all over my life. He continued to show me that He was in fact doing great things despite my weakness and I got to be a part of it.

Even as I rest back here at home God is continuing to teach me about what happened in my own "boot camp" and He is indeed preparing me for what is to come.

The End of the Chapter

We never know as we begin a new chapter in our lives what may take place before we reach the end.  Beginnings are generally full of potential, especially when you have stepped into what seems a whole new place in your life.

The reality is that every new  chapter is still part of the same book which is your life and events unfold in ways you do not expect; sometimes they are glorious; sometimes disappointing,  but always part of a continuing story that generally is less and more then you expect or understand. 

We will never be able to put the whole puzzle of our lives together on this earth, I think when we are with Jesus, it will no longer matter.

This past week I have been forced to spend time in thought as my body refuses to cooperate and let me be as independent and well as I want to be.   The girls have been at my door every day, telling me they are praying for me, asking me to come back to school and be their teacher.  They cry when I say I can’t teach them now, and that I will be going home. Some move away and some hold on tighter as if they can convince me to stay for them.

I wonder what I have accomplished?  What is God is doing? I feel shame in my weakness and wonder whether he is disappointed in me.  I want to have a grand ending but I just don’t have the strength.   The reality is I never had much strength.  Jesus has accomplished some things I am sure, but it is hard to see them now.

What will I do now?  I am not hearing Jesus these days , though I call out and wait the answers do not come.  I cannot put things in perspective, I have no sense of where I am going or what I will do next. I feel disconnected from people as I sit in my room. It is way too introspective, I need to get beyond these circumstances and be able to soar above the storm with Jesus.  But I feel tired, I want to be stirred and ready to step out with Jesus but it’s just not there.

I listen as the clock ticks, time will move on, I will get back to Canada and then perhaps I will have a sense of God’s grace in all of this.  The though of coming home brings excitement but also sadness.  Lord I pray that you will make this chapter of my life a little easier to read and understand.

I know that your ways are not our ways Lord and that I am called to be faithful not successful.  I hope that I have accomplished that to some degree.  In time Lord I ask that by your grace I will see where you have moved here through all of my illness and failure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In His Hands

In Psalm 89 God talks about David’s line and the covenant that He will keep forever with him.  We too are a part of that covenant promise.   Jesus reinforced it when He said that He would never leave us or forsake us.  Yet how often do we forget that God is near? We are quick to believe the lies of the enemy who wants to kill steal and destroy and we do not see how we play into the enemies’ hands and give him permission through our sin to come and wreak havoc in our lives. 

Over the last week I have been in the middle of a life lesson, which made much of this very clear to me. 

Last Sunday afternoon as I was writing my sermon for the evening service I suddenly found myself in terrible all consuming pain.  Nothing I could do and no position I tried to get into would alleviate the pain.  I soon realized that I was in the middle of a gallbladder attack. I had not had such a bad attack since before my daughter was born thirty years ago. I knew what it was and I knew that all I could do was wait it out.  Finally after about four hours, cold sweaty and clammy having finally been able to vomit, I crawled into bed and fell asleep. 

I woke up the next morning and began to process where I was, how I was and why I had such a terrible time the day before. First there was the gallbladder attack, it had been brought on because of many bad choices on my part. I have been eating for comfort for years and limited choices (and self pity) have accentuated it here in India.

This is reaping and sowing.

“If they violate my decrees and fail to keep my commands, I will punish their sins with the rod, their iniquity with flogging” Psalm 89 vs. 32

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction.” Gal. 6:7-8a.

The Lord has spoken to me many times in warning about this and I have repented then repeated the sin of idolizing food again and again.  God will allow us to reap the fruit of our poor choices.

Also once I gave the enemy license then the attack on my health and peace of mind was on.  

“If you do what is right will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at the door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” Gen. 4:7

We are God’s kids but once we choose to sin we build a ledge that the devil can stand on. We give him authority in that area of our lives.

As a result of the gallbladder attack a stone was likely pushed out into my bile duct partially obstructing it and causing me to have Jaundice.  I did not go to the hospital for the attack but went a day later because of the Jaundice.  I got blood work, a urine test and an ultra sound done and then saw the surgeon who recommended an operation to clean out the bile duct and removal of my Gallbladder.

Fear was at work in my life. When I talked to my children that fear was then in them and they wanted me to come home. The doctor told me about complications if I had the procedures done or if they did not do them.  The Principal at the school wanted me to go home she said there was very little supply of negative blood in India and so if there were complications and bleeding is a possible complication of flushing out the ducts then I would be in big trouble.  Someone else wanted to fly me to New Delhi for surgery.  There were also many prayers, cautions and encouragement from friends all over who were with me on the journey in prayer.  I felt that the Lord was leading me to wait so we decided to wait and see until Friday and redo the tests.  Something deep in me was still keeping peace in my Spirit.

We never know about the path not taken but there were many options offered up to me that would have had a very different result.  I had been hearing many scenarios of disaster and death in my head over the past few days since the gallbladder attack. I woke up in the night the day I visited the doctor. I had been in a very deep sleep and I could hardly keep my eyes open and yet I had this feeling that something was really wrong.  I felt as if I had been on the brink of death when I woke up and my legs were shaking inside the way you do when you are in shock.  I had a hard time thinking straight.  I got myself up and went to the bathroom talking to myself to calm down as I went.  There did not seem to be any overwhelming pain, everything seemed to be working fine. I crawled back into bed and I was really tired, I wanted to go to sleep but I was afraid I would not wake up. I picked up the Bible and started reading the psalms.  These scripture verses jumped out at me.

“I lie down and sleep; I wake up again because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side.” Psalm 3:5-6

“I will lie down and sleep in peace for You alone, Oh Lord make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8  

I decided that God held me and so I should go to sleep. I waited two days in the hopes that my body would work things out on its own.  Because God holds us in His hand He is the one who ultimately does this.  I had prayed and sought prayer support and received all kinds of advice but I followed what I felt was the leading of the Lord. I began to have a deeper conviction that God was in this and He did have me and I would be okay.  While all the options were still being played in my head I began to be convicted that I knew where I was going.

“The thief comes to kill steal and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” John 10:10

This is called God’s Grace

Friday morning I got up and waited to go to the hospital for the next set of tests. I felt pretty good about where I was.  I began to just thank the Lord for the blessings in my life. As I sat at my desk listening to praise music and eating an apple, something in a song the girls had sung at chapel triggered a thought. The song they sang is called He Is Near and I realized it had been playing in my head all day yesterday. I decided that I was going to believe God I remembered my devotional for that day in which Oswald Chambers said; “The greatest need we have is not to do things but to believe things” 

So I began to pray; I choose to believe You Lord and I believe that You are speaking to me and I am hearing You. I choose to have hope and joy and life that You give and I believe that I will be fine and that you will hold me through the time I am here, as I travel to Bali and back and as I travel back to Canada.  I choose to believe your word Lord and I choose to receive your comfort Holy Spirit. I choose to believe now before I see the test results.

Then I was able to testify as I was being driven to the hospital that I knew that all would be well and that God would hold me until I go home.

When we got the test results I was very happy to say “I told you!” and Praise the Lord, may He get the glory!!!

   

 

In His Hands

So much has happened over the past couple of weeks I am playing catch-up here. After finding out that I would indeed be able to go to a Living Waters Conference in Bali Indonesia and after all the plans were made and the tickets were paid for (nonrefundable) I had a gallbladder attack.

I had my first gallbladder attack when I was pregnant with my daughter thirty years ago now. I was hospitalized but because I was pregnant they did not do surgery. After my daughter was born I had no more trouble for several years and only the odd minor attack or rumblings since so the doctor never felt there was a great need to get my gallbladder out.

When my mother died my already poor eating habits got worse and eating was the way I sought comfort and how I tried to avoid pain. When I got to India the food really became a focus for me of my lack of control over my life, no choice, always the same. It seemed all I was eating was rice and everyone heard about it. I started out with good intentions wanting to eat the right things but finding chips and nuts and cookies in the stores was easier then buying fruit which had to be carefully washed and spoiled fast and attracted ants etc. We are always so good at rationalizing these things. So one thing lead to another and then I had the attack.

We love to question things after the fact and I am no exception, would it have been different had I not eaten all that stuff for comfort and turned to Jesus instead, of course it would, but how things would have evolved if only is not for us to know, now I just move on and hopefully learn (as I lick my wounds) a better way. I know at least that I am not in bad company, I love the fact that God allowed all the mistakes into the Bible. thank you Lord that you let us learn from what we do wrong and thank you that you pick us up again when we fall.

The Lord is My Shepherd

As we drive around India I often see shepherds leading their flocks of sheep through out the countryside much as they must have been doing when Jesus walked among us.  It seems strange to realise that for more then 2000 years through political upheaval, wars, poverty, and sickness shepherds have walked this land and tended their sheep.   

Many of us who have grown up in busy cities have lost the understanding of life on the land, day to day, hand to mouth.  The shepherds must find food and water and rest for the sheep each day, they depend on what is around them to exist, when the rain comes there is the risk of flooding and no food or safe water, when the rain does not come, there is draught and no food or water.  Yet they continue to provide for the sheep leading them to where ever they can find food and water and rest. The sheep would die without the shepherd, they are not able to manage on their own.  They depend on the shepherd for life. 

We like lost sheep have gone astray. We don't know what dependence is. We have forgotten we need the shepherd.

For much of my life, I lived with the lie that I was in control of what happened to me and that I could handle whatever came on my own.  I just would do whatever I needed to do and that was that.  Life was hard and empty and a constant fight to get to whatever I was supposed to do next.  The more I looked in to myself the less I saw of what was around me and the more lonely and hard I became.  We are meant to be dependant.  God created us to need Him and His desire is to shepherd us, to meet our needs. 

When I became a Christian that began to change, but it is a process. Being in India has pulled me much further from my "control zone".  I have not been able to just do things and push through, God has forced me to look beyond myself more and more and to understand to a greater degree not only that He is in charge but also that He is my shepherd. He knows that I am one of the sheep who really can't manage on their own. 

When the opportunity to go to a conference in Bali Indonesia came up for me I struggled with whether or not I should go.  I prayed and sought the advice of others and everything seemed to indicate that I should go.  Yet it just seemed to good for me, I questioned myself for days and I continued to ask the Lord for confirmation that had already been given. We become our own enemies at times.  Finally one night as I went sleep I was praying out loud talking to God as is my habit and after drifting in and out of sleep I found myself saying the 23rd Psalm.  As it dawned on me what I was saying I felt the Lord say listen to my word. I am Your Shepherd, I will lead you to green pastures if you only believe I want to, that I love you and know what you need. 

Has the Lord been trying to tell you how much He loves you?  Are you listening for His still small voice? 

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters. 

He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His names sake. 

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Your prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. 

Living the Gospel Vol. 3

Commitment

“God himself laid down the law when He built the universe. He knew when He made it what the price was going to be. God did not hold back His only son, but gave Him up to pay the price for our failure and sin.”  Taken from Beyond the Gates of Splendor by Elisabeth Elliot (A quote from Nate Saint’s diary)

This has always been true for anyone who submits their life to God as well. We must be willing to pay the price it requires. But when we say ‘Lord I belong to you’, do we know what we are saying.  I have been struggling with this reality over the past year as I have walked out my commitment to God. I have learned along the way that saying yes and walking it out are two very different things. Giving away my stuff seemed like a test at the time but now that seems like the easy part. Leaving my life in Canada behind was harder but in the back of my mind I was still holding on to my old life and thinking I could go back to it again, even though the Lord had clearly told me that I could never come back to what I was leaving.  Being here for a long time is very different from a short-term trip. That seems obvious but it hit me in ways I did not expect. No one here hugs like we do at home, you would think that would not be a big deal but it is.  I focused on the monotony of the food but I am beginning to realize that what I was really missing was my independence. It is not just what you eat but when and where you eat and what you do each day. Culture differences lead to many misunderstandings and unclear expectations both for me and for those I am working with. I am often unsure if others really get what I am saying. Then there is my future.  Being here for 9 months is one thing but what if God wants me to come back?

I want more then anything to follow the Lord’s will for my life but I am struggling with giving up my old life to do that.

And yet there is so much need and if I am going to really be used to fill some of that need I want to see it through.  I want to see these girls lives changed in meaningful ways.  I want to see Jesus work in their lives. And I believe in God’s promises that He will provide so much more then we could ask or imagine. I cannot go backward, I know what it feels like to be out of God’s will and I don’t want to endure that again. 

Amy Carmichael once said; “The vows of God are upon me. I may not stay to play with shadows or pluck earthly flowers, till I my work have done and rendered up account.” 

I cannot rest knowing there is a call on me to do this work, not until the Lord says it is done. 

I found this quote in a book called Jesus Driven Ministry written by Ajith Febnando, a man from Shri Lanka who works for Youth For Christ Ministries, he says;

“None of us takes to the cross naturally. Sacrifice hurts, and the hurt is real. But there is a deeper desire in us then that of simply avoiding pain. We want to do the will of God. As Jesus prays in the gospels ‘not what I will, but you will.’ Mark 14:36 In the prayer in John he prays; ‘Father Glorify your name!’ John 12:28 God’s response to Christ’s words are “I have glorified and I will glorify it again.’ John 12:28b. “This word of God teaches us that when we come face to face with the immensity of the sacrifice we must make because of our call, God reminds us that He will turn this event to bring glory to Him, just as He made previous events glorious. This truth helps us brace ourselves to face the cross before us.”

That about sums it up for me, I have no idea where I am going from here, but I have determined in my heart that I must do the will of Him who sent me, whatever that requires. I want to be an example of how to walk in the Spirit and I pray over and over; “Lord I cannot do anything without you please come by Your Holy Spirit and work through me.”  I know that I have to look to what He wants to do and rise above my own circumstances.

In his book “Passion For Jesus”, Mike Bickle says;

“Our lives only have meaning as we understand them with respect to obedience to Christ Jesus who is seated at the Father’s right hand. If we lose our focus on Him, then we lose our connection with reality, purpose, and order. If we lose our vision of the throne of God as the centre of everything we live for, then we lose our spiritual equilibrium and emotional stability. We lose our resolve to endure temptation and hardship (James 1:12). We lose our motivation to bless our enemies. We lose the main reason why God releases His power through our ministry. When we lose the awareness of God our Father on this throne with Jesus seated at His right hand, then our problems become insurmountable in our thinking. The despair can seem unbearable. We forget that everything else passes away, and nothing has any significance and relevance outside the reality of the Person upon this throne. All else is temporal, except the things that are pleasing to Him.”

Now in the midst of it all I also feel such an urgency to get things accomplished. I had a long talk with the pastor and doors are opening to do some teaching and perhaps some prayer ministry for inner healing with the older girls.  I talked to him about what I see in the faces and bodies of these girls as they stand in the choir every morning.  Some of them are filled with bitterness and are really feeling like God is not at all there for them.  There is pain and loneliness and anger in some of the faces I see.  Many of the girls look quite lost and hopeless. There are some bright lights in the crowd as well but they tire because they carry the weight of the others.  

As I spend time with the prayer group to the left, I am reminded of my own journey of how lost I once was; how very close to death, and how the Lord rescued me. And now He is redeeming my life for these girls who have faced many similar situations in their young lives. I must be there for them. I must be willing to submit myself and my plans to His service, if not why am I here?

“It is not the level of our spirituality that we can depend on. It is God and nothing else but God, for the work is God’s and the call is God’s and everything is summoned by Him and to His purposes, the whole scene, the whole mess, the whole package – our bravery and our cowardice, our love and our selfishness, our strengths and our weaknesses …
‘For we are no better than pots of earthenware to contain His treasure (the revelation of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ) and this proves that such transcendent power does not come from us, but is God’s alone’ 2 Cor. 4:7, NEB” Elisabeth Elliot, Through the Gates of Splendor.

Marking Territory

It is early in the morning, as I take off my shoes to go into the chapel Iona comes up behind me.  She takes her shoes off and carefully places them on top of mine and takes my hand to go inside.  As we get to my place she turns to me and hands me a cup. Her words are few; ‘keep’ she says as she goes off to sing.  After the choir has finished their songs she rushes back to climb up onto the chair beside me saved by the cup sitting on it.

Another girl, Gena comes to my door before lunch, come quick Auntie Barbara she shouts as she bangs on my door.  She is first to greet me for lunch, first to hold my hand.  Others join as we walk down the hall but she got their first.

On Saturdays I generally stay in my room to do my laundry and read and pray, the girls know this and after some testing have tried hard to respect my time.  Last Saturday there was a knock at my door just before I was to get into bed.  Gena was there.  I just wanted to say goodnight she says as she blows me a kiss. 

Others take turns coming to my door, they pull out my chair for me for lunch, they crowd around to spell all the words they can think of.  They all want me to be their auntie and they look for ways to have a little of my attention, a little of my time just for them.  

I have been watching how they each stake out their territory. And I have tried hard to give them what individual attention I can.  I try to listen to each one, when three or four are all telling me something at once.  I pray for them when they have wounds and hug them and hold them as they come to me so each one gets that special touch.  They are beginning to be able to wait a little but they still fight over who gets my hands.  I try to teach them to make a little room for each other when I know they all need individual time.

Sometimes they ask when I am going home.  They also back off at times, it seems they don’t want to give more of their heart then they can afford to lose.  Many people come and go here.  Some come back, some do not. I try to understand their perspective, it must be hard to give yourself to others when you know they will leave but if not that then to whom do you go? 

Sunday Services

I went to a service at a Penticostal Church in the nearby village of Sulur on Sunday.  It was fun to get out of the compound and experience something new.  Although the service was in Tamil and I did not understand a word of it, I soon became very aware that my spirit could understand and that I was being fed as I sat in the prayer and worship.  It reminded me of the many churches I was in both in Guatemala and Brazil where I had experienced the same kind of awareness of Holy Spirit's loving presence. 

I think this happens in all of our lives more often then we take time to realise.  I find that my desire to be in control of things is constantly leading me,and I am always thinking of what I should do or how I should be in any given situation.  When I don't know what to expect or what is being said I am forced to simply wait, and watch and that is quite refreshing. When I think about it I realise that the Lord speaks to us from a place where we have no understanding. I really don't know who God is (my understanding is just too limited) and I never allow myself to really believe for the big picture of all that He desires to show me, I feel a bit like a hockey player constantly vieing for control of the puck which is moving just too fast for me to see.  I think our heavenly Father must sometimes tire of us the same way we would a toddler who is constantly running in the wrong direction. 

It boils down to trust, can we follow without understanding, trusting that our dad will look after us and so we don't have to worry about all the whys and hows? This has been the challenge that I have been asked to face here.  In Chambers devotional My Utmost For His Highest, (which I both love to read and reject on various days) he mentions on several occasions that the Lord in His mercy does not always show us how He is using us, and that we should simply walk in obedience and not be concerned about it.  Now that is a challenge.  

Popularity

I am becoming a student of human behaviour as I watch the children interact with each other and as they interact with me.  I have seen some wonderful exchanges of tenderness, caring and affection between children of all ages but I notice that some children get very little attention, some get only negative attention and others get a lot of affection.  In some cases children are hard to reach because they are so traumatized that they are "not there" emotionally and do not respond to the play and attention given by others.  There are also very definite cultural preferences among the children who come from various places. But I also think that personalities and cuteness for lack of a better word also play a large part in their interactions. 

Today as I walked back to the hostel after chapel I was as usual escorted out of church by two children who were holding my hands as three or four others shouted at me or walked around us.  Then something very interesting happened, the girls were as usual speaking to each other in their own tongue, whether it was Tamil or Hindi or Malarium or whatever else I do not know but they were talking to each other.  One of the girls who was holding my hand let go to get her shoes on (they take them off before going into the church) and another came and took her place, the one on the other side also left. Then the girl who already had my one hand took the other one as well. It dawned on me at this time that she was saving the second girl's place with me while she went to get her shoes.  The first girl arrived back and tried to wrestle my hand from the other girl, I told her they did not need to fight, that they could both hold on ( It is not the first time I have had girls pound each other in the back to get my hand) meanwhile the other girl came back to claim her place  at my other hand.  Try as she might the first girl was unable to get a satisfactory position on my arm and since the other girl would not let go she left crying and walking on the other side of the road.  These girls want so much to have my attention yet there is also this hierarchy among them that is hard to understand.  I try to stay available to all of them but these kind of exchanges are unsettling.  Sometimes by trying to settle things I seem to make them worse so mostly I try to keep peace without showing favourites and then wait and watch to see what they do. Since the conversations are a mixture of broken English and many other Indian languages it is hard to follow. 

The way the girls connect with me is also interesting, there is a kind of friendly hit on the arm, and they also like to pinch you as a sign of affection or sometimes to get your attention. I do best one to one where there is a chance to talk and get to know each other.  Most of the girls like a kind of flying hug where they grab my arm as they go past and pull in close then keep going.  Most of them cannot handle a full on hug so far. They will accept a small back rub or a squeeze on the arm, but I think they are always trying to guard their hearts because experience has shown them that everyone leaves again sooner or latter. 

When there are many girls around it can get a little scary as they vie for my attention.  As I already mentioned they may hurt each other or they can get quite rough with me, pinching me or hitting me on the arm if I do not respond quickly enough.  If I have candy or some other gift I can be very quickly swarmed because they are all so afraid that they will be missed.  I now try to only give them things when they are seated at their desks in the school, that way I can get to all of them without them grabbing and pushing to make sure they are not missed. I have to constantly remind myself of where they come from and always think ahead and explain things before I do them so that they understand I will not miss any of them.  

Last Saturday night we were all in the chapel watching a movie and after the movie ended we walked back to the hostel.  The hostel is always locked up at night but generally not until the girls are all in.  For some reason it was already locked so there were about 200 of us outside waiting for someone to unlock the door.  It took a couple of minutes but then some one came.  

When the door was unlocked everyone pushed for it at once and within seconds small girls were being pushed over as everyone tried to get in.  Thankfully some of the older girls started grabbing the littlest ones and pulling back the crowd as they shouted at them to slow down.  Why they were in such a hurry I don't know as they were only going to bed but there is always this urgency to get whatever is going first.  It was easy to see how people can very easily be hurt when there is no order to what they are doing. 

While there are many rules of organization set by those who oversee the girls, it is clear there is much more I need to learn about their own rules of organization as well.

Living the Gospel Vol. 2

Living The Gospel In India August 2009

Being a Quiet Presence

I have been asking the Lord what He wants me to do here and I have heard; “Be a quiet presence” What I understand this to mean for me is that I am visible, available to the girls; that they know I am here for them. I have been trying to live this out, to be available to the girls. I have made it a point to be at the chapel service as often as I can be, to be on time for meals, to be outside when the girls line up for the assemblies. I smile at everyone as they go by and say hello to everyone when I get eye contact. I have often felt invisible or even silly as I walk about. I wonder what the girls think of this western old lady with grey hair who does things differently from all the others they know. Adults in authority here do not sing when the children do, or join in to the children’s games.

Dr. Job has often referred to me and the sacrifice I made to come here, he uses me as an example far more then I find comfortable and I think the girls are not sure what to make of all that. I have often wanted to hide but I just keep doing what I am doing and quietly going about my days. The girls are beginning to warm up to me. I walk through the courtyard outside my room and I hear the girls call out from various places; “Hello Auntie Barbara!” They smile as I go by and they have begun to visit me and ask me for prayer for wounds or because they have a test or are in a sporting event. As I walk to the dinning hall or to chapel in the morning I feel a little hand slip into mine, often without words. I feel very humbled and honoured by them. I am struck by a profound sense of unworthiness. I hope it is Jesus they see.

There is one girl in particular who has attached herself to me. Her name is Iona. She is in my class and comes to prayer and sits with me or joins me in the chapel after the singing. She scolds me when I go into town and miss prayer. She wraps herself in my scarves in the mornings and pulls my prayer shawl over her head during prayer times. She is a little girl, very small who seems very old at times. I watch her as she sings in chapel so intent doing all the actions; she is very special in her way. I often see her going out of her way to help other girls, especially those who are picked on or hurt. I wonder about all God is doing in the lives of these girls.

I have been praying in intercession for the girls both when I watch them sing every morning in the chapel and as I walk over the property every day, claiming Jesus Kingdom will come in this place. I have also started walking inside the hostel through the hallways and past all the girl’s rooms. I feel very convicted about continuing to pray in intercession for these girls and also to encourage them to expect the Lord to come and to pray for it and for each other. Many of the girls are praying, the ones I pray with every day and also others in little pockets all over the hostel. There have been powerful moves of the spirit here where girls were saved and some have had dreams and visions. Yet there seems to be a struggle over this place. I feel convicted that God has already won the victory but we need to claim it and believe it. I pray for the Holy Spirit to come but then chicken out before much time has passed. While I am confident that God is working, I am not so confident that He is using me. Communication is also a big barrier, I don’t know how much is grasped when I speak, I never get much feedback but they keep asking me to speak so I guess that is a good sign.

Being in another culture can be profoundly lonely just because it is just not the same as what you are used to. Subtle differences may not seem important yet I continue to be tripped up by them. The other day one of the college girls moved my watch so that the face was on the inside of my arm. “You should wear it this way”, she said; “It is not considered appropriate for a woman to have such a large clock face on her watch.”

The Lord tells me to wait on Him and trust Him so I keep on going, trying to be a quiet presence, and trying to watch and understand what is happening around me, sometimes I am profoundly aware that Jesus is here and I struggle not to be completely undone for no apparent reason.

Community

This is the courtyard in the middle of the hostel where all the girls live. My room is on the ground floor, far left corner on the back wall. Life happens here. Games are played in the courtyard. Laundry is hung along the hallways. People visit up and down the halls. The youngest children have common showers in the courtyard in the mornings, running and laughing as my own children did playing under the hose on the lawn. I am struck by this similarity, but then I think about the differences. My children went to bed in their own home at night and they had their mother to read them a story. These girls go to bed in a room with six or seven other children and there are at least two to a bed, and they all live in one room with three or four bunk beds and a desk, nothing more. Life is better for these children then for many yet there is always a heaviness in the lack of emotional nurturing. These girls seem so old, even at five or six years of age. There is no escaping the lack of parenting they must feel. They seem to do well day to day but at times they all look very lost. I struggle with this and wonder how I can help, I feel so inadequate. I know they all need mothers and there are 500 of them and only one of me so I hold back thinking I can’t possibly meet the need. Is this common sense or selfishness? Jesus please show me what to do.

A Busy Sunday

Chapel was interesting today, I found myself really looking at all the girls as they sang or yawned or in some cases did not participate at all.  I started to really look around to see how many girls were not singing.  I know there are some new girls here from Orissa who are still learning the language so that they were not singing was not a surprise but there were a few who seemed very sad or closed off.  I wonder what their stories are?  Some of the girls are quite open and friendly and will share their stories but many are very guarded.  I made a mental note to try to connect with some of the ones I noticed.  

I was asked to do the message for the morning service at ten and directly after this I knew I had the fourth session with the discipleship course.  The morning service went fine, I felt I should take the information I had gathered at the chapel service and just talk about how faithful God is in meeting us where we are.  I talked about the journey through the desert and how the people were not always sure God would protect them and that even when we know who God is our feelings sometimes get us lost.  I always struggle with how much the girls will understand but I know most of them know the scriptures better then I do.  I just have to let he Lord lead and trust that He will take it to them by His Spirit.  

Right after the service the older girls gathered for their class. I noticed that it has gone from about 35 to 14 but that does not surprise me.  They originally asked all the older girls to stay back but they were not all interested in continuing. I had originally hoped for no more then 20 anyway so we could pray together.  Trying to get the girls to pray is a challenge.  They will pray together all saying their prayers at the same time but there seems to be little praying for individuals here.  I have been getting them into small groups which is a start.  I talked about the anointing of the Holy Spirit and I prayed for each of them and anointed them with oil. After I prayed they were all just sitting in a circle and praying on their own silently.  It was really quite wonderful.  I sat with them for about 15 minutes and then just quietly left them, they were still all praying.  Many of them were crying quietly.  I trust the Holy Spirit was doing what He wanted to do.   

I thought the rest of the day would just be quiet and I had decided not to go to the evening service and go to bed early instead.  But just as the service was starting there was a knock on my door and Philomena was there asking me if I could please just speak for a few minutes at this service as well.  So much for going to bed early.  I quickly gathered my things and went over to the church. As I sat there listening to the girls sing I got to thinking about the fact that the Rick and Dee would be at our morning church service at that same time.  I am guessing that it would be one service off site somewhere since it is the long weekend there. 

 I was remembering our trip to Brazil and the church service we went to the day we all got sea sick because the waters were making the boat roll.  So I talked about that.  The children enjoyed hearing about the boat rolling and my tummy rolling and how I was a little afraid to climb into the dugout canoe to get to the church.  It was another good example of God's faithfulness and I remember thinking at the time that He was not going to allow us to miss the service He had planned and that He also got us back to the boat safely after that.  I talked about how God gives us the desires of our hearts and blesses us so much that we just can't help wanting to bless Him and His people right back!

It was a good day!