We never know as we begin a new chapter in our lives what may take place before we reach the end. Beginnings are generally full of potential, especially when you have stepped into what seems a whole new place in your life.
The reality is that every new chapter is still part of the same book which is your life and events unfold in ways you do not expect; sometimes they are glorious; sometimes disappointing, but always part of a continuing story that generally is less and more then you expect or understand.
We will never be able to put the whole puzzle of our lives together on this earth, I think when we are with Jesus, it will no longer matter.
This past week I have been forced to spend time in thought as my body refuses to cooperate and let me be as independent and well as I want to be. The girls have been at my door every day, telling me they are praying for me, asking me to come back to school and be their teacher. They cry when I say I can’t teach them now, and that I will be going home. Some move away and some hold on tighter as if they can convince me to stay for them.
I wonder what I have accomplished? What is God is doing? I feel shame in my weakness and wonder whether he is disappointed in me. I want to have a grand ending but I just don’t have the strength. The reality is I never had much strength. Jesus has accomplished some things I am sure, but it is hard to see them now.
What will I do now? I am not hearing Jesus these days , though I call out and wait the answers do not come. I cannot put things in perspective, I have no sense of where I am going or what I will do next. I feel disconnected from people as I sit in my room. It is way too introspective, I need to get beyond these circumstances and be able to soar above the storm with Jesus. But I feel tired, I want to be stirred and ready to step out with Jesus but it’s just not there.
I listen as the clock ticks, time will move on, I will get back to Canada and then perhaps I will have a sense of God’s grace in all of this. The though of coming home brings excitement but also sadness. Lord I pray that you will make this chapter of my life a little easier to read and understand.
I know that your ways are not our ways Lord and that I am called to be faithful not successful. I hope that I have accomplished that to some degree. In time Lord I ask that by your grace I will see where you have moved here through all of my illness and failure.
1 comment:
I clicked to the beginning of your blog just now and read this. You wrote it in May.
"I have been praying for some time about my health, Ignatius would say we have no right to expect good health all the time. I fear this, I do not like to be sick. Lately I have been dealing with a very sore back. It is keeping me from getting things done and interfering with my sleep. I just want to make it go away. But Jesus has been using it to force me to look into His face. To listen to His counsel about what I need to do and what I do not need to do, and to believe what He has promised me He will do. He asked me if I would trust Him to do what He wants to do whether or not I am sick. That kind of sums it up doesn't it. It really is not about my comfort, or making things runs smoothly. It is about listening and doing what we are told.
I have been forced to stop running from pain, to be in it. I think I am beginning to get a glimpse of Jesus face and I am seeing His promises for me. Yes there is cost, nothing of value is without cost, but I am learning to trust Him a little more each day."
Barb, you hear from God, and you will again. I love you and hope you're feeling better.
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